


baby, you're just harder to see than most

by Macbetha



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autumn, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26568685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Macbetha/pseuds/Macbetha
Summary: "it was all my fault," rin hisses, anger so encompassing that it's only survivable in the form of self-loathing. guilt like that would strike any other person down, should he direct it at them."you're right," sousuke concedes. "it was." everything was rin's fault: the birth of all sousuke's smiles, the lovesick breathlessness, the decades of aching and wandering - but above all, it is rin's fault because sousuke would relive every moment of it if only rin would keep missing him.in which first loves struggle to reconcile as a vampire and a ghost.
Relationships: Kirishima Natsuya/Serizawa Nao, Matsuoka Rin/Yamazaki Sousuke, Nanase Haruka/Tachibana Makoto, Shigino Kisumi/Shiina Asahi
Comments: 152
Kudos: 102





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [donguris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/donguris/gifts).



> happy fall yall it's technically not even autumn yet but it was cold today and i am CLAIMING IT -
> 
> if you couldn't tell i am in a very spooky mood and this is quite the spook romance. ya girl is excited. spooky beth is the One True Beth hhh
> 
> first things first, the biggest hug to donguris for number one, being an awesome friend, and two, being an awesome artist, and three, for letting me use her ghost!sousuke and vampire!rin for this lil fic! this was originally an art piece she did and after learning more about what she had in mind for their story, i must conclude that this is going to be fun. angsty, but very fun. c: 
> 
> don is on [twitter](https://twitter.com/Donguriiiis) and [tumblr](https://donguris.tumblr.com/post/169547524858/cold-skin-and-warm-hearts-a-ghost-and-a/amp), AND you need to go read her sourin fantasy au [a warrior's heart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8140952/chapters/18659525). pls show her lots of love! 
> 
> fic title is from sasha sloan's [dancing with your ghost](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qzc_aX8c8g4). grab you an autumn breeze candle and some cocoa and pls enjoy!

* * *

* * *

Haruka always feels dizzy when he steps into the little antique shop two blocks from campus. The vertigo that strikes him upon entering might be due to the smell of the place, like moth balls and cheap cinnamon candles, but a deeper part of himself knows it’s something else. He isn’t much of a religious person, nor does he consider himself the least bit spiritual, but to be surrounded by all these _things_ that generations of people have touched and left behind – there is something so odd about it to him. He feels like these things should be gone. Perhaps not destroyed, but certainly not here.  
  
Thankfully, Haruka does not have to spend each day in the shop. He only finds himself here on Fridays once his classes have ended and he has the evening free. There is a purpose he brings with him as he wanders the halls filled with dusty, overpriced paintings: Haruka finds that purpose sitting behind the counter, where at least a hundred lace doilies lay across the glass surface.  
  
Makoto is hunched over in a chair, brows pinched behind his glasses as he ties a price tag to a doily. He does this with great annoyance and no short amount of laziness – Makoto does not like being here any more than Haruka does, but Makoto’s grandfather owns the shop, and everyone must make sacrifices.  
  
Yes, Haruka would indeed sacrifice his comfort to the eeriness of this place if only he could watch the way Makoto beams when he notices Haruka standing there. Haruka is truly not much to look at with his backpack shrugged over his shoulder, hair a mess from the slap of autumn winds, eyes sunken from cramming for a degree that was such a mistake – but Makoto gazes at him like Haruka could never make a mistake in his life.  
  
“Haru!” Makoto shoves all the doilies to the side and rests his elbows on the glass to lean over it with grabby hands. “Come here, come here,” he whispers, so overjoyed that he can hardly raise his voice.  
  
Haruka goes over with a huff of laughter and Makoto mushes his cheeks for a series of delighted, fast pecks. Haru is breathless and feels as though he may never have to sleep again.  
  
“I missed you,” Makoto whines, still cradling his face.  
  
“It’s only been a week.”  
  
“Too long.” Makoto shakes his head righteously. He steps around the counter and juts his chin toward the left. “I’m taking my break now, Grandpa.”  
  
Haruka looks to the open office door where two massive dressers frame it from either side. Makoto’s grandfather sits mumbling over some paperwork, then hikes an unruly brow at the two of them. “Ah,” he perks. “Evening, Haruka. Makoto’s been a brat all day, waiting on you.”  
  
Makoto grits his teeth, eyes wide with an inflamed face.  
  
Haruka grins lazily and laces their fingers together as he calls, “Sorry.”  
  
The old man rises from his chair, then he hobbles over to take Makoto’s place at the front desk. Makoto’s grandfather grunts, “Hope it won’t be too much of a bother, but I need those tapes from the university labeled before we close up tonight, Makoto.”  
  
Makoto groans skyward and his fingers are antsy around Haruka’s. “That means I’ll have to watch every one of them! They couldn’t have labeled the tapes themselves?”  
  
“No,” the old man drones. “That’s not their job. It’s yours.” He gives a smug chuckle as Makoto deflates. “Maybe you two could look through them together. You might find something interesting.”  
  
Makoto sighs, “Swimming highlights from ’93 aren’t interesting, Grandpa.”  
  
“Not true,” Haruka frowns.  
  
The old man raises his brows victoriously at Makoto. “You might even see me in one of those videos. What could be more wonderful?”  
  
Makoto relents and tugs Haruka up the spiral staircase to the shop’s loft. There is only a little more privacy up here, but a speaker plays crackly oldies loud enough to carry through the shop, thus droning out whatever Haruka and Makoto say on this story.  
  
Tacky, fake ivy wraps the interior balcony; the carpet is old enough to feel strangely damp, yet Haruka could not be happier as Makoto finally takes him into his arms to embrace him tightly. Makoto kisses his temple before grabbing Haruka’s backpack to let it flop in the corner, and Makoto says, “How were classes this week?”  
  
Haruka can’t even get into it without crying, so instead, he murmurs, “I would have rather been here.”  
  
Makoto smiles and cards Haruka’s hair back into place before resting their foreheads together, just messing it up again. “I think I would have liked that better, too.”  
  
They haven’t even been dating long, but it feels as though Haruka has known Makoto for years. Momotarou just happened to drag Haruka into this particular shop a few months ago, desperate on his hunt for terrifying vintage toys to add to his collection, and Makoto was working that day. Makoto works here every day, much to Haruka’s delight. Haruka was far too nervous to say anything very forward, so he now has an assemblage of old postcards and antique medicine bottles, which he purchased as an excuse to keep coming back to the shop. He is so thankful that Makoto finally snapped one day and kissed the life out of Haruka in the book section – if he hadn’t, Haruka would be miserably single and have enough stupid little trinkets to start his own antique store.  
  
He and Makoto go to their usual nook where there’s a sunken couch and a TV older than Haruka himself. Makoto drags a box of tapes out from under the coffee table and huffs, “I hate having to do this while you’re here.”  
  
“I don’t mind. How many tapes do you need to watch?”  
  
Makoto shows the cardboard box to Haruka – said box is bursting at the seams with tapes.  
  
“Ah,” Haruka says.

Makoto puts the first one into the VCR, then cranks the dial on the TV to help the picture show up. He flops onto the couch beside Haruka and hugs an arm around his shoulder, kissing his cheek before they settle in for monotonous commentary of a gymnastics match.  
  
Haruka gets the hang of what they’re supposed to do and helps Makoto label tapes by the year in the corner that shows up in most videos. Haruka has to agree with his boyfriend and admit that most of them are boring to a mind-numbing degree. Not even the swimming videos are interesting – the picture is too grainy to really see what’s happening.  
  
They are halfway through the box when Makoto presses the heels of his hands against his eyes. He gives Haruka a look and says, “This is the worst date I’ve ever been on in my life.”  
  
Haruka smirks. “That one video about a water polo tournament was kind of neat.”  
  
“Weren’t we making out while that one was playing?”  
  
“Yeah, and during the golf one.”  
  
Makoto flicks his wrist to check his watch, which probably came from this very shop with how old it seems. “I think we should stop at the next one; we’re closing in like, thirty minutes. You wanna get some dinner after this?”  
  
Haruka raises a brow. “Your grandfather will probably want to go.”  
  
Makoto opens his mouth before there’s a bark from downstairs: _“Oi, Mako! Where are we eating once the shop closes? There’s this new bar across town and –”  
  
_ “Sure, Grandpa!” Makoto calls as he crouches in front of the TV to shove a new tape in the VCR. “I’d love nothing more than getting drunk with my boyfriend and my grandparent at the same time!”  
  
 _“That’s the spirit!”  
  
_ Makoto goes back over to the couch and Haruka pulls him in to let Makoto sit sideways on one of his thighs. Makoto loops an arm around Haruka’s neck and leans back against him as they wait for the tape to play.  
  
Static scratches across the black screen before a picture comes up – it looks like another swimming tournament. Haruka settles in for one more boring video before the picture suddenly flickers to something else. It’s the same gymnasium, but now the camera is set up poolside and there’s only one person in the water. He’s propped up on the pool ledge and still panting from laps; his eyes are cast above the camera as someone overhead talks to him. Giving tips, it seems like.  
  
The guy listens with sharp precision, dragging his maroon hair back to better focus on whoever is speaking. He nods once before slipping back into the water.  
  
“Wonder who that is,” Makoto says.  
  
“Your grandfather might have known him.” The date in the corner of the video reads MAY 9th 1986.  
  
“Yeah, maybe.”  
  
The video flickers again. It takes a moment for it to focus now that the camera is filming on a blazing summer day, and Haruka recognizes the setting as the courtyard at his own university. People are sitting around the fountain and someone is cackling like mad behind the camera. One guy leans daringly over the side of the fountain while another boy tries to drag him back. The second boy gives up and as soon as he lets the daredevil go, he flails right into the water. Laughter explodes behind the camera and something tells Haruka that it is the swimmer from the first clip.  
  
The next scene is in the study hall and Haruka is not surprised to find that nothing has changed in that dreary place. Whoever has the camera is sitting at a round table with a muscly guy; he is hunched over as he scribbles in a notebook. A window tells Haruka that it is late, and this must be a frantic cram session.  
  
The person with the camera – the swimmer again, Haruka assumes – meshes his foot against the guy’s knee and says, _“You look bored, Sousuke~”_ He zooms in an obscene amount on the man’s face, camera hovering over strong brows, ghosting down his jaw. Lingering on his mouth.  
  
With learned patience, the guy says, _“You should be studying too, Rin.”  
  
“Hmph.” _The shot pulls back and Haruka sees that Rin’s foot is still wedged against Sousuke’s knee. The camera roams from one end of the empty study hall to the other, then back on Sousuke. Rin sneaks his foot between Sousuke’s legs and Sousuke startles a laugh as he jerks away from the table. His expression is reprimanding even as he grins with fond exasperation. Rin is snorting behind his hand.  
  
Makoto pauses. “Oh,” he says.  
  
“Oh,” Haruka nods.  
  
The next clip is Rin in the pool again but Sousuke is with him this time as they soar through laps. Disbelief kicks in Haruka’s chest as he watches them.  
  
“Wow,” Makoto breathes. “They’re really fast.”  
  
Frowning, Haruka pulls out his phone and types into a search engine. “Is the year on this clip still 1986?”  
  
“Mmhm. Are you looking them up? Do you think they went pro?”  
  
“There’s no way they didn’t.”  
  
Haruka has fuck-all luck finding information on graduating classes from his university in the 80s, so he instead searches Japan’s swimming team in the ’88 Olympics. He skims the list of names at least three times, but neither Rin nor Sousuke are there. It doesn’t make any sense.   
  
He glances up at the screen to see nighttime in the winter, the moonlight glowing on a frozen lake. Rin slides across in his socks, thumping right into Sousuke’s chest. They’re a mess of giggles as they cling to each other on the ice and there's this little sway that happens, barely anything, but Haruka knows that look in Rin's eyes. He wants to kiss Sousuke before Sousuke gets distracted by something else and it doesn't happen.   
  
_Damn,_ he thinks with rare pity.   
  
The scene clicks to another – obviously an 80s hotel room, by the décor. Haruka has just enough time to gawk at the mustard wallpaper and outrageous gold light piece before he realizes there are two men on the bed. He can’t focus on one thing – it’s sheets, skin, sweat.  
  
There’s only enough time for Rin to let out an obnoxious moan, then Makoto catapults across the room and crashes a fist against the TV dial. He slams his back against the screen with arms spread out to hide it despite that it’s already dark. Makoto’s eyes dart everywhere in the silence.  
  
A call from below: _“Mako? Everything all right?”  
  
_ “Ye-ah!” Makoto’s voice cracks.  
  
 _“Think I hear something around the dumpster so I’m going to check it out. I’ll shut the register down and wait for you and Haruka in the truck.”_  
  
Haruka hears the old man shuffle around before the bell on the front door jingles with his departure. Makoto buries his face in his hands, whispering, “Do you think he heard that?”  
  
“Probably, since you made such a fuss,” Haruka nods solemnly.  
  
“Ugh.”  
  
“He might have thought it was us.”  
  
“That doesn’t make it any better!” Makoto rips the tape out of the VCR. “What am I supposed to do with an 80s sex tape? I can’t sell this!”  
  
Haruka grabs his backpack from the corner and shrugs it on. “Think your grandfather will let you throw it away?”  
  
“Not unless I let him watch it and that’s not happening, so.” Makoto rolls his lips in thought before tucking the tape under a couch cushion. He beams. “There!”  
  
Haruka glances back and forth between his boyfriend and the cushion. “Isn’t the couch for sale?”  
  
“Shit.”  
  
Haruka gropes under the cushion and drops the tape in his backpack. Makoto’s mouth flies open before Haruka cuts him off, saying, “Don’t worry about it anymore. I’m shouldering the responsibility.”  
  
Makoto blinks. “By stealing it?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“… that’s really sweet.”  
  
They head downstairs so Makoto can turn off lights and flick off all the power strips for lamps on display. He heads deep into the back of the store, leaving Haruka to sit at the front desk by himself. He kicks his feet against the chair just to hear something in the intense quiet. It’s so still around him that he almost feels like he’s being watched, but that could be due to the collection of porcelain dolls facing him on the far shelf.  
  
It also feels like someone is standing very close to him, which is absurd. Nobody is here besides him and Makoto, yet Haruka still feels that tension he gets in his shoulders when someone is too close on the train. Haruka tacks the feeling off as sleep-deprivation and scrolls through his phone.  
  
He hears the doorbell jingle and assumes it’s only Makoto’s grandfather since there’s ten minutes till closing. Most people aren’t antique shopping this late at night and if there are, Haruka imagines they will be doing a quick browse and he will not need to socialize.  
  
He hears the person creak around at a languid pace – definitely browsing. They drift by the bookshelves, running their fingers through the chimes of a beaded curtain. Haruka smells coffee with the person and wonders if it’s a college student. It would have to be if someone needs caffeine so late.  
  
They wander by the desk and sigh, “Hey.”  
  
“Hi,” Haruka says, brows pinched because the person sounds familiar, just a little – not like someone Haruka knows well but has certainly heard before, recently.  
  
He looks up from his phone. Chills streak his arms. Sweat glosses the back of his neck.  
  
Surely, his existential crisis and deep self-loathing have finally took hold of his mind. He’s simply spent one too many nights procrastinating over textbooks and cramming at 4 AM. Maybe it’s the boredom with his life. Perhaps it’s the depression. Any and all the above would be a rational excuse for what he’s seeing.  
  
But there _isn’t_ an excuse because that guy from the last tape is standing _right fucking in front of Haru_ as if he just stepped out of 1986 with no time in between then and now. His long hair is the exact same length and shade, eyes still catlike and soft with youth around the corners. Haruka couldn’t miss those teeth.  
  
Why isn’t he wrinkled? Why doesn’t he look just like Makoto’s grandfather, fingers twisted with arthritis and back crooked? He and Haruka look the exact same age.  
  
He needs to throw up. Really, _really_ needs to.  
  
Rin tips his head in concern and Haruka can’t imagine what his expression is, but that’s not important because that _weight_ is still all over Haruka’s skin and someone is _right up on him,_ breathing in his ear, he fucking _swears._  
  
He realizes that he doesn’t need to ask Rin why he’s here.  
  
Haruka needs to know where Sousuke is.


	2. one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> of graveyards, foxes, and old friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rapid fire update yall got me until this maple butter candle finishes lol
> 
> thank you so much for kudos and the comments omg! you've made my week. please enjoy! <3

* * *

These days, Rin doesn’t have too many good days.  
  
He reckons that monotony is typical for most people to find themselves in at one point or another. It’s inevitable, really – Rin thinks it’s a fair comfort to anticipate the certain stillness like an old friend. He and that old friend might not get along very well, but at least it comes round more often than not.  
  
Obviously, he doesn’t have many real friends, since he’s trying to put a consciousness to the lull and drag of boredom. Even as he arrives in Japan and spends some time with Kisumi, all Rin can think about is how much Sousuke would have liked him.  
  
Rin isn’t in Japan for Kisumi, but he is here to visit an old friend.  
  
The cemetery is gorgeous in autumn, set in a neat palette of grey stone, yellow grass, white sky; the trees are the color of romance this time of year. Rin always hides himself in a metropolis once winter rolls around, for he can’t stand to see those pretty leaves gone and dead. He often will not step outside again until spring, when the cherry blossoms beckon him from darkness.   
  
Sousuke used to sneeze in the springtime.  
  
Kisumi must notice Rin’s distress as they both stand over a gravestone. The bitter wind plays through their hair with a sharp chill but Rin is not affected by it. Kisumi glances from him to the stone at their feet, uncharacteristically subdued. “I eat hearts in this cemetery, but I never touch this one.”  
  
Rin cannot picture Kisumi in his true form as a half-fox that harvests flesh in the moonlight, still possessing human consciousness, human morale, human guilt. Kisumi’s sense of comradery must run strong if he’s willing to pass Sousuke’s grave all for Rin’s sake.  
  
“Thanks,” he says numbly.  
  
Kisumi leaves to wait in the car yet Rin doesn’t feel alone as he stares down at the gravestone. He certainly feels miserable, but never alone. Even when he hasn’t spoken to another person in a year, five years – he feels blessedly watched as if he could just turn around and see who he wants to see.  
  
He never does. Rin hoped that insanity would finally swallow him, and he would start to see things, but it hasn’t happened yet. He wonders how much longer he will have to wait before it happens or if it ever will. He doesn’t deserve to see Sousuke ever again, even as a hallucination.  
  
Rin exhales and kneels down to set up the miniature wreath of flowers he brought with him. Sousuke probably doesn’t have visitors these days, but anyone that comes to the cemetery for their loved ones must be curious when they pass by the gravestone and notice how young Sousuke was when he died. _Only twenty-something? Goodness, how awful._  
  
Rin wonders if people are just as curious about his own gravestone in Iwatobi. He hopes that Gou has stopped leaving him flowers at that bodiless grave and moved on with her life. God, he hopes she’s happy.  
  
Rin settles the wreath into place and sits back on his knees. He folds his hands and bows his head. Closes his eyes. Doesn’t say a word.  
  
Laughter sobs out of him, once and harsh. He wipes his face before his trembling hands flop back into his lap. Rin sighs exhaustedly. “I’m sorry I keep coming back here. I know you hate me, but I can’t – I can’t stop myself.”  
  
He hugs his arms around his middle. “It’s fucked up, isn’t it? That I can’t stop. You should never have to see me again.” The pressure of crying lifts to his eyes. “But I just…” He runs a hand over the dew-glossed stone. “I can’t have you be forgotten, Sousuke. You were too good for that.”  
  
His lips part. Close. He licks them. “I’m sorry,” Rin whispers. Sorry for what? Not coming here enough? Coming here too much?  
  
 _For everything,_ Rin thinks. _Everything is my fault._  
  
Shame pulls Rin back into a stand so he can retreat, but he pauses. He kisses his palm before flattening it against the stone, then he slips away to meet Kisumi in the car.  
  
Sousuke watches him go from where he’s hovering by the grave. He glances back at it once, uncaring, then floats after Rin.

* * *

“So then Asahi is like, _well, can I just touch one of your tails? You have so many!_ And I can’t say no to him, so I was all, _yeah, sure!_ Oh my god, it felt _so_ good I almost –”  
  
Rin isn’t really paying attention to the one-sided conversation Kisumi’s trying to turn into a two-person conversation. He picks at his steak, so rare that it’s mushy and a pool of murky-pink sits at the bottom. Kisumi is eating liver.  
  
Kisumi blows a straw wrapper at Rin to make him look up, but he does so with lazy disinterest. Kisumi pouts with a huff. “I swear, a car wreck could happen right here, and you wouldn’t flinch.”  
  
“Sorry.” He tries to sit up straighter and pushes his plate away. “I’m not trying to be a dick. Just tired.”  
  
“I didn’t know vampires get tired.” He chews into the liver with bulky incisors.  
  
“This one does,” Rin snorts.  
  
“Got anything else planned for this little vacation of yours?” He chews… fucking grotesquely. “Where are you headed after this? Where were you before? We don’t talk much anymore.”  
  
Rin grimaces in apology. “Um.” He shakes his head, trying to remember where he was. “I was somewhere in Europe.”  
  
Kisumi chuckles, “Well, _that_ narrowed it down.”  
  
Rin cracks a grin. “I don’t stay in one place very long. I do in winter, but otherwise I’m kind of all over the place.” He tips his head. “Why do you stay here, in this city? You could go anywhere as much as I could.”  
  
“Eh.” Kisumi pulls an uncomfortable wince, shaking out his bloody fingers. “Asahi is still in college. He gets stressed out easily, has a bunch of anxiety, so I try to stay close.”  
  
“That’s good of you.” Rin has enough issues; he doesn’t have the energy to lecture Kisumi on how unethical it is for a beast like him to be in love with a human. At least they’re happy.  
  
Kisumi slaps his palms on the table in a burst of inspiration. “I know what will make you feel better! Let’s go shopping.”  
  
“Right now?” He glances out of the restaurant’s glass front and the sky is bruised with evening.  
  
“Aren’t you a creature of the night? Get with it.” Kisumi stands up and throws some money on the table for their bill. “I gotta pee, so be ready to leave when I get back!”  
  
Rin orders himself a coffee to go as he waits in the booth. Espresso isn’t strong enough to do much for him, but he tries to keep a habit of looking human as possible. Plus, he really is prepared to fall face-first in a pillow and cry himself to sleep. Maybe the coffee will create a placebo effect or something.  
  
His tired gaze lands on his untouched water glass. It sweats, crying over the sides with melted ice, and the surface is perfectly reflective in the stillness. He notices a few micro-quivers across the surface, which is odd because he isn’t moving the glass. Why is the water rippling?  
  
What he sees in the surface’s reflection is not clear; it is barren of color and features, but Rin can make out just the line of a profile.  
  
As if someone so wonderfully familiar is sitting right next to him.  
  
His dead heart clenches into a tight little fist, then it opens, spills. Horror ices his veins with recognition. He jerks, knee hitting the table and the glass spills over.  
  
Rin pants. He feels faint enough to shake. This is how Kisumi finds him but thank goodness Rin’s friend is too busy linking arms with him and dragging Rin out onto the sidewalk to notice.  
  
Rin takes a sip of his coffee and shakily asks, “Where are we going?”  
  
“Oh, there’s this _adorable_ antique store I’ve been dying to visit! It’s not far from here.” Slyness evens out his voice like perfectly laid steel.  
  
Rin studies his grin. “Are you going there to shop or to eat?”  
  
Kisumi giggles and flops an arm around Rin’s shoulder. “We’ll see what happens first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ohmacbetha) & [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/macbetha)


	3. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sousuke follows and follows and follows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm excited asdjkafas
> 
> chapter song is [vampire by dominic fike](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIGilAUVeq0). obvs it's relevant bc, well, _vampire_ , lol, but it's actually a fun lil jam. he's got some other dope songs u should check out! "chicken tenders" is my fav lol
> 
> pls enjoy!

* * *

Sousuke follows as Kisumi takes Rin to a more charming block of the city. Sousuke imagines that it’s a quaint little scene during the day, when the opal sky is bright, and the leaves can show off their warm colors. He can see this old, mustard shop attracting all sorts of people who wish to take a step inside for a wander through the past.  
  
Autumn isn’t so quaint when it gets dark out. The night roars in fast with a biting chill, and the moon watches from above as Sousuke follows, and follows, and follows. Kisumi is dragging Rin along the sidewalk; the half-fox seems impatient, sniffing around with a scrunched-up face. He yanks Rin to a stop at the alleyway beside the antique store – a sagging pick-up sits in the passage and the presumed owner is mulling around the dumpster.  
  
Kisumi glances straight through Sousuke to the store’s glass front, where lights glow from within. “Go look around for a while,” the half-fox says to Rin, gaze remaining set on the alleyway.  
  
Conflict pulls Rin’s brows together for only a moment. Sousuke has watched a stone of indifference press Rin’s emotions down, though the vampire still asks, “You’re planning on eating that old man’s heart?”  
  
Kisumi shrugs. “Maybe his liver.” It seems that his fox hasn’t decided. Kisumi probably doesn’t even know why the monster inside him wants to eat the least-appetizing thing in proximity, but it’s clear that Kisumi doesn’t have a choice. Kisumi nudges Rin toward the shop. “Make sure nobody comes out.” That’s the most he can protect others from what his fox wants.  
  
Sousuke can and will protect people better, so he floats after Rin into the shop. He is greeted by the pressure of warmth in the air – he can’t exactly feel it as a ghost, but he remembers how a room felt thick when the heater was on too high. Rin pauses and glances to the side, ear flexing. Sousuke’s watched him do that before when his instincts are trying to confirm something, so there must be other people in the shop. Rin can hear their heartbeats.  
  
Sousuke should leave Rin’s side to check on those people and ensure they aren’t alerted to what’s going on outside. If they get between Kisumi and what he wants, that will mean bloodshed. Rin’s better about controlling himself these days, but Sousuke knows better than anyone what could happen if Rin gets a good taste of something.  
  
He really _should_ check on those people now, but Sousuke can’t stop himself from quietly admiring the vampire. Rin is so disinterested with life that it stresses Sousuke out, though brief interest lights Rin’s expression as he eyes a stack of records. Sousuke is elated to see it and he waits, watching him even longer. Rin has a demure little saunter to his gait; he was the most graceful thing Sousuke had ever seen long before immortality made him near-porcelain with fairness. Not being able to tell Rin what it does to him is truly the worst curse Sousuke has had the pleasure to suffer at the hands of.  
  
Rin passes by a row of bookshelves and today’s smiles might all be small and sad, but one still peeks out as Rin glides a hand through the chimes of a beaded curtain. It makes a sweet noise, just a whisper. Sousuke’s heart clenches all bittersweet at the tender moment. Rin does so little to enjoy himself these days that such a miniscule joy means the world.  
  
He could make Rin so much happier if only Sousuke would make himself known – at least, Sousuke likes to pretend that’s how the vampire would react. Of course, Rin would cry, but then he would be elated and smile until the end of time.  
  
Such a dream would never come to fruition in reality. Sousuke legitimately wonders if Rin is even capable of happiness anymore; he hasn’t been for over thirty years, all because of Sousuke. It might not be due to anything Sousuke did himself, but that doesn’t matter. Rin has suffered far longer than Sousuke did when he was dying. Seeing what has happened to Sousuke – seeing that he is not at peace and Rin is still the cause of that – it would pull Rin down into a depression that he couldn’t come back from.  
  
So Sousuke follows and watches over, hoping that Rin doesn’t feel as alone as he seems.  
  
“Can we help you?”  
  
Sousuke assumes an employee is talking to Rin, so Sousuke looks around for them and sees nobody around. Rin isn’t standing to attention; there’s no way he didn’t hear someone speak up. Sousuke glances around the corner to see a boy scrolling through his phone at the counter, but it’s clear that he wasn’t the one talking.  
  
“Up here.”  
  
Sousuke’s gut drops. _He’s_ the one being spoken to.  
  
Slowly, he looks up to the interior balcony. Two ghosts stare down at him, clearly born and left for dead in different time periods. The slender one leans over with his elbows crossed on the balcony railing; his suit is muted pinstripe, maybe from the 1920s. He holds himself with the poise of someone who was important in life. His companion sits on that same railing, arms propped on his spread knees. His ratty jacket has a fur collar; he must have died during winter, maybe in the late 90s.  
  
Sousuke is breathless. Ghosts are solidary beings, so it’s rare that he gets a chance to speak to anyone. He was never that much of a social person, but it started to weigh on him after decades passed without uttering a sound.  
  
The 20s ghost tips his head and Sousuke clears his throat. “Sorry,” he says without knowing why. “I didn’t know anyone else – was, um, here. This is where you live? You don’t… wander around?”   
  
The more scraggly ghost shakes out his curls with a chuckle. “We pretty much stay here. This was Nao’s shop back when he was alive. Can you believe it used to be a pharmacy?”  
  
Nao gives him a flat look, not appreciating how freely his companion gives out information.  
  
“I’m Natsuya,” the curly-haired one says. “I was in a car wreck outside and Nao was the first person – er, ghost, I saw.” He shrugs, seeming perfectly content with how things turned out.  
  
“Oh,” Sousuke mumbles with a dull spike of jealousy. Natsuya has no idea how miserably lonely it is for most ghosts.  
  
Nao juts his chin toward Rin impatiently. “Are you with him?”  
  
Sousuke parts his lips, closes them. He nods. “I’m only here to watch over him.”  
  
“Why in the world would a vampire need protecting?”  
  
There’s faint noises from outside: a lackluster struggle. Nao bristles. “Something’s wrong,” he hisses. “Natsuya, go check on Wakusei. _Now._ I’ll go to Makoto.”  
  
Natsuya is already floating into an upright position when he says, “What about Haru?”  
  
“He isn’t ours. The people here are.”  
  
“But –”  
  
“I’ll do what I can, _go.”_   
  
Natsuya fades out and Nao dissipates into the floor, but not before cutting Sousuke a glare of suspicion. It makes Sousuke wonder if he can be hurt by other ghosts.  
  
Rin’s gotten away from him – Sousuke finds him around the corner, standing before the counter, and that boy isn’t looking at his phone anymore. Sousuke’s never seen anyone’s eyes so wide; the boy is shaking and so tense, all at once. It’s as if he can see everything awful Rin is capable of as a vampire.  
  
Without tearing his gaze from Rin, the boy digs through his backpack and harshly thrusts something into Rin’s chest. Rin stumbles back, completely dumbfounded as he looks down at the object. Sousuke looks at it over Rin’s shoulder and disbelief seizes him.  
  
The VHS tape is plastered with little glittery stars, some peeling off with age, others faded. Sousuke remembers buying that exact pack of stickers at a gas station and bringing them back to their dorm, mumbling something about how they just reminded him of Rin. It was one of Sousuke’s best attempts at flirting.  
  
Realization takes its time to grip Rin’s features. His jaw hangs slack and he blinks rather calmly at the boy, like none of this is happening at all.  
  
There’s a crash from outside, a muffled exclamation from the back of the shop. The boy at the counter whips around toward the sound and when he looks back at Rin, it’s accusatory – it’s petrified and frantic and all too knowing.  
  
The boy watched that tape and knows that Rin isn’t human.  
  
Only this morning, Sousuke never would have dreamed something so stressful was going to happen that he would throw thirty years-worth of caution out the window. He’s been so careful with his emotions for so long.  
  
But why the hell would he be here if he didn’t protect Rin would he needs it most?  
  
Sousuke sticks his arm up toward the ceiling lights, squeezes his hand into a fist. A metallic whistle grows louder and louder, the bulbs vibrating before they shriek to death and darkness falls over the shop. Energy _bleeds_ out of him as a headache pulls at his eyes, but he can’t stop now.  
  
Manifesting is a terrible pain. The air itself doesn’t know what to do with him. Like stepping through a curtain, Sousuke exhales a sigh, and the breath hits Rin’s neck in the dark. He seizes Rin’s elbow from behind and presses his lips flush to the shell of Rin’s ear.  
  
_“Run.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know things are a bit Tense rn but i'm jus thinking about ghost natsuya falling in love with nao at first sight anyway
> 
> i'm not too sure when i'd be able to put this in the story, so i'll just talk here: when considering how these ghosts work / what they're attached to, i don't think there'd be too many rules besides the fact that ghosts _do_ get attached to people and places. so like, nao is attached to the shop because he worked there, but natsuya is attached to it because of _nao_. they aren't tethered to it, but they just choose to stay for their own reasons. make sense?
> 
> in terms of protecting people, i think even that would be a personal choice without "rules" - i mean, obviously ghosts would know how traumatic it is to pass away, so natsunao wouldn't want the people who keep that shop going to pass away either. sousuke watches over rin with a similar mindset, but that's more complicated and we'll get into it later lol. 
> 
> thank you SO SO much for the kudos + comments you've left, it's brought me so much joy ;.; yall please stay safe!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ohmacbetha) & [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/macbetha)


	4. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "please tell me it’s not possible. please tell me it is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know, i've really been feeling like S3 kisumi waiting for folks in this fic to just TALK asglaks
> 
> i don't have a chapter song, just throw on smthn angsty ;.;

* * *

The coffee cup slips from Rin’s hand; by the time it splashes open against the floor, he’s fled the antique shop and is staggering out into the night. He feels so _lost_ as his vision streaks with panic. The streets are empty and he wonders if he is the only person on earth.  
  
His breath spills out all thick and icy. When he inhales, a taste coats his tongue: syrupy and aged, spilled blood has an aroma as vile as it tastes. Fear leaves it acidic. Rin could never forget that taste.  
  
He plunges into the alley, ducking by the pick-up truck to grab onto a lean pair of shoulders and haul them back. Kisumi’s eyes glow in the dark when he’s like this: completely feral and starved, ready to kill anyone stupid enough to pull his fangs from his meal. Rin can’t count his tails, doesn’t have time to be afraid of the growl that shakes the ground.  
  
“Kisumi, we have to go, we gotta _go,”_ he hisses, yanking his friend into the dull light of the streets. It’s near impossible as Rin digs his heels _through_ the pavement in order to drag him. With his heart stuck tight and heavy in his throat, Rin helps him flee.

* * *

“You had no _fucking_ right, I was _this_ close –”  
  
_Run.  
  
_“You did him no favors! I had already –”  
  
_Run.  
  
_“What the hell is _wrong with you?”_  
  
_Run._  
  
Kisumi’s voice hardly carries over the word swirling around in Rin’s head. He is only aware of his body due to the one part of it that was touched by lips; the shell of his ear is still so warm. The memory feels like a fantasy on repeat.  
  
Rin dragged Kisumi into the woods that line the highway just a mile from the shop. Headlights flash through the trees as cars drive by, like spirits awakened and gone in the blink of an eye.   
  
Kisumi is pacing – _marching_ in his rage. He is wholly unrecognizable with his tails, his ears, arms slathered in blood up to the elbows, so Rin doesn’t take many of the shouted accusations to heart. The fox isn’t Rin’s friend; Kisumi is. Rin wouldn’t care much about being screamed at even if he weren’t completely out-of-body right now. He hasn’t felt so terribly alive in ages.  
  
“I heard him.”  
  
“Well, of course you did, who wouldn’t scream when they’re –”  
  
“No.” Rin barks a noise from the back of his throat, something caught up in disbelief. He rocks back and forth on the ground where he sits. How he wishes shock would grip him with numbness, for he’s never felt this much _living_ pain in his chest. It feels as immortal as himself. “Kisumi, I _heard_ him.”  
  
Kisumi glares, ear flexing in confusion.  
  
“Sousuke – _spoke_ to me.” Rin doesn’t know why he’s being so stubborn over something he cannot bear to believe. His voice has never been more fragile; he may never speak again after tonight. “It can’t be true, can it?” _Please tell me it’s not possible. Please tell me it is.  
  
_He can’t bear it. Oh, he _can’t._  
  
Kisumi’s expression softens up just briefly and the half-fox scowls before backing away. “I have to go. I’ll see you soon.” Before he slips through the trees, Kisumi glances back. “Sorry.”  
  
Rin stares after him, petrified to admit that even as he sits there all alone in the forest, he still doesn’t feel alone.

* * *

Rin staggers back to his hotel; it’s grungier than he can afford but speaks well on his depressive state. By the time he’s in his room, a craze has settled over his mind like violin strings pulled too sharp. The noise is crispy-dry from somewhere above, or maybe the room below – but it’s also in his head, playing over and over again with no melody, only existing to trick him.  
  
Shadows tease the corners of his vision. Phantom sensations run all over him and bring chills along for the journey. He feels watched but he can’t fucking _see_ anything outright.  
  
It felt so gorgeously real when he was touched in the dark at that shop; the grip on his elbow was strong as ever. He thinks of that word, oh, that _voice._ He could never forget the voice that struck Rin dumb on so many occasions. That voice used to speak things that left Rin so flushed and fragile it nearly split him apart with feeling. He remembers words pressed into his skin with a harsh passion that nearly burned; he remembers shy fondness and an ache that would never be fulfilled, even if he and Sousuke had an eternity together.  
  
Perhaps that’s what this is all about. Rin has missed Sousuke so much that he has finally gone insane. That’s the only thing he’s wished for during his undead existence – just a chance to say that he’s so fucking _sorry_ and beg forgiveness any way he can.

Rin doesn’t deserve that. He shouldn’t be able to say such things even to an apparition.  
  
He’s weeping now. Might be throwing things. He’s collapsed on the bathroom tiles and there’s shattered glass all around him like dead stars he’s pulled from their home in the sky.  
  
He fucking ruins _everything.  
  
_Only half of the bathroom mirror sits in its frame. Rin stares at it, seeing nothing more than the wall reflected in it even as condensation puffs across the glass.   
  
Rin bristles. He scrambles back against the wall before flinging a chunk of glass at the mirror, and he flees as the last of it rains down. He finds himself backed into the corner of the bedroom, panting for his life as he stares wide-eyed at the bathroom door.  
  
Rin can only watch as it creaks open and the sound draws out, setting his nerves aflame. Every hair of him stands to awareness.  
  
“What the fuck,” he yells to nobody.  
  
Rin’s eyes dart in the stillness, then the bedside lamp flickers. Jaw gritted and teary-eyed, Rin stumbles over and grabs the lamp to throw it to the floor in a million pieces –  
  
An iron grip seizes both his wrists behind his back.  
  
_“Stop it.”_  
  
It’s reprimanding with agitation, a frantic concern. Rin’s lips part. The felled lamp casts a gold blush on the walls; it is the only light in the room.  
  
He's still being held, back pressed against a body that Rin knows better than his own. Rin swallows and speaks to the wall. “Is this real?”  
  
A pause. The grip on him slackens but never releases him. Insanity bangs at Rin’s skull.  
  
Sousuke whispers, “Does it matter, baby?”  
  
His eyes roll closed as endorphins rush in and leave him weightless. Sousuke presses a line of firm kisses up the curve of Rin’s neck, patient and ardent. His forehead rests against Rin’s shoulder for an indulgent moment.  
  
Rin always dreamed about what he would say when he lost his mind, but all he can croak is, _“I miss you.”  
  
_Sousuke’s smile is pitiful, buried against Rin’s hair. “I know.”  
  
“I –”  
  
“I know, Rin.” He sounds faint, voice rasped over with emotion. “I promise I know.”  
  
Rin is suddenly too exhausted to say what he needs to. He’s maneuvered onto the bed, all with his eyes closed, and he curls up on his side as tightly as he can.  
  
Rin’s voice is a spent slur. “Can you stay? If you’re mine?” His vision, his hallucination – whatever Sousuke needs to be.  
  
Amusement curls the bitter smile of Sousuke’s tone. “Am I yours?”  
  
Rin would shrug if he had the strength. “’M yours.”  
  
The hand playing in his hair goes to cradle his cheek. “I know.” Sousuke vows, “I’ll stay.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i rewatched a walkthrough of the silent hill pt for the lil horror elements of this chappie and now i may not sleep for a year but anyway 
> 
> thank u for reading and omg the reviews! ;.; pls let me know what you think and continue to stay safe. heart heart
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ohmacbetha) & [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/macbetha)


	5. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> of intentional misunderstandings and unintentional consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> usually i'm not exactly too aware of it when i'm writing smthn sad but whew i'm aware of it in this chap :( 
> 
> song is [sawzall by banks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynbxNLnazds). quick lil fun fact in relation to [ikigai](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16275044/chapters/38058800), my sourin werewolf/vampire au - there's a lyric in this song that goes _i didn't notice the teething_. chapter five of ikigai is titled "teething" due to this song, so. i try to connect my fic literary verse any way i can lol. 
> 
> enjoy!

* * *

Like a fire without air, Sousuke feels snuffed. He watches Rin fall into a slumber of deep contentment, his face slack without a pinch of the tension he’s carried for decades. Sousuke has never felt more hopeless.  
  
It’s exhausting when your integrity is demolished in just hours. Sousuke could feel it happening even before tonight, when he made so many breakneck decisions that it’s simply embarrassing. His own selfishness has been chipping away at his will for years, telling him to just let Rin _see_ and touch and be kissed again.  
  
But it’s a problem – it was _always_ going to be a problem that Sousuke never had the courage to face. Now he has no choice.  
  
Rin obviously suffered some sort of breakdown last night when he was throwing things, crying, and screaming. Perhaps the vampire would write off their conversation as a brief episode of insanity in which his desire to talk to Sousuke won over all else. Maybe Rin will wake up and not even remember what happened. It could work.  
  
But Sousuke promised to stay; if he doesn’t, it’ll be another thirty years of following after Rin and watching him cry without being able to do a damn thing about it. Could Sousuke really take that? Could _Rin_ take that? Could the vampire take that loneliness better than realizing that Sousuke is not a hallucination and he’s not a peace?  
  
Sousuke knows that he, himself, is indeed miserable in his loneliness, but that’s never been an incredible problem before. Perhaps it was worse than he thought, if he made himself known like that in the night. Now he’s touched Rin and Sousuke would truly become vile with bitterness, should that be the last time it happens when it is still possible to do it again – over and over again.  
  
Sousuke hasn’t asked himself what he wants in so long.  
  
Night yawns into morning and the day slips away. Rin sleeps through it and it’s a shame; rain taps at the hotel, urging time itself to lull slower as a fresh chill rolls in. It’s the perfect weather for languid intimacy and the worst for being alone with one’s thoughts. Sousuke practically goes mad as he waits for Rin to emerge from slumber.  
  
He begins to stir well after evening. Rin gives a stretch, a pretty hum, then snuggles his face back into the pillow.  
  
Sousuke doesn’t know what the fuck to _do.  
  
_He gets what he wants a few minutes later, when Rin sits up with the pillow hugged to his chest. He blinks around a little. Rin can’t see Sousuke. The ghost prepared for it, thought about manifesting in a hundred different ways that hopefully wouldn’t be emotionally crippling for Rin, but he just. Freezes. Can’t decide what to do as Rin glances around at the bed feathers and glass scattered on the floor.  
  
Rin looks like he’s considering something. He hugs the pillow tighter to him, burying his lips against it in thought. He’s so gorgeous like this, still soft and sleepy and so kissable. Sousuke should have been brave enough to kiss him more when they both had the chance a lifetime ago.  
  
Rin lifts his face and glances at all corners of the room – then the ceiling, the bathroom door, then the foot of the bed where Sousuke is sitting unseen. Sousuke startles for a moment, wondering if a deeper part of Rin is now aware of his presence.  
  
Rin looks down at the sheets and timidly calls, “Sousuke?”  
  
Fuck. _Fuck.  
  
_It’s a torment to watch as Rin sniffles. Tears gleam at his lash line, one pearly drop caught at the groove of his eye. It falls and Sousuke could explode.  
  
Rin croaks, “You said you wouldn’t leave.”  
  
Sousuke was never an outwardly emotional person, but as a ghost, everything he feels on the inside has a tendency to spill out of him whether he likes it or not. Grief claws down his head all the way to his toes and the felled lamp by the bed flickers.  
  
Rin stares at it, inhumanly still. His swallow is the only noise over the rain. Rin pleads, “Do it again.”  
  
With absolute defeat, Sousuke does.   
  
Rin’s brows crease in a mess of agony. He flings the pillow away and demands, “Wanna see you.”  
  
Sousuke can’t stop himself. He manifests his voice but not his form. “Why?” Why would Rin not _run_ from the despair that will crash down when he sees Sousuke? Why is he chasing after that torment with tooth and claw? Doesn’t Rin know this is bad for him?  
  
Doesn’t Sousuke?  
  
“Please,” Rin whispers.  
  
Sousuke bows his head.  
  
Rarely has he ever manifested and it’s exhaustive, drawing all the energy around him into something he can control, but it’s never _hurt._  
  
This time, it hurts in the chest.  
  
Sousuke feels himself materialize, the bed dipping under his new weight. It does not feel like being human; he’s blurry-smooth at the edges of his body, the lines and contours of him not catching the light right. There’s color to his clothes and skin though he is still translucent. He breathes only due to memory, but the sensation of exhaling feels so precious.  
  
Sousuke gathers the strength to look at Rin and Sousuke wonders who is more shocked. To be _seen_ by the vampire is not something he could have prepared for. Rin is out of place yet immovable; he knows this can’t be happening but doesn’t want it to stop. It looks like he might scream.  
  
Rin goes boneless as he pitches to the side and Sousuke’s hand darts to the vampire’s shoulder to keep him from fainting. Sousuke jerks away immediately and Rin pushes back like he can’t dig himself deep enough against the wall.  
  
“Hey,” Sousuke says gently. “Hey, it’s all right –”  
  
It’s not, it’s really fucking not because Rin is hyperventilating and shaking apart and it’s all Sousuke’s fault.  
  
Rin grits, _“Is this real?”  
  
_Sousuke goes drowsy, he's so overwhelmed. Rin can hardly endure the guilt of seeing a possible apparition; there’s no way he could survive the guilt of why Sousuke is actually still here.  
  
Self-loathing bleeds from him with a strength that could have shattered windows, had Sousuke not composed himself in time. He lifts his chin. “No,” he says, the lie dripping from his tongue like apple-poison: it’s something that they both want, something that is so wrong. “I’m just something you came up with to cope.”  
  
Sousuke looks Rin dead in the eye and says, “None of this is real.”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "angst with a happy ending, angst with a happy ending," i repeat to myself as i write this
> 
> thank you sm for reading! pls let me know what you think. i know these chapters are shorter than what everyone's used to from me but i'm trying to get better at saying less, showing more, all that fun stuff <3
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ohmacbetha) & [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/macbetha)


	6. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Does it make you feel better, that he could have forgiven you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> great news i found my maple butter candle and i am back
> 
> [wash by bon iver](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMfL7rVAu0U).

* * *

Rin can’t keep his eyes off Sousuke as they sit across from each other on the hotel bed. Neither have spoken in a few minutes. It’s not that Rin doesn’t have anything to say; there are simply no words to translate what’s racing through him. It feels as though his veins are brimmed with acid grease, burning and moving slow. He is bruised with emotion, with a fragility that threatens to leave him as shattered porcelain on this very floor.   
  
Sousuke sits before him as a living contradiction. He wears the same clothes as the last time Rin saw him: polo tucked into his jeans; white sneakers pristine as if they were Sousuke’s prize possession because they _were._ The shape of him is hazy but piercingly recognizable with his sturdy bulk and lazy posture.   
  
Rin doesn’t know how, but something has changed. He isn’t sure why that thought keeps coming to him. This version of Sousuke is subdued, not meeting Rin’s eyes. Awkwardness doesn’t even begin to describe the tension between them.   
  
How could it not be that way after what happened when Sousuke was last alive?  
  
Carefully, Rin’s gaze sweeps him. “If you’re not real,” he says slowly, “how are you able to touch me?”  
  
Sousuke cocks his head in a quick motion – that’s what he used to do when he was considering something, and seeing it happen again is just _shocking._ Sousuke mumbles, “I don’t know.” He shrugs a bit. “I don’t make the rules.”   
  
Rin’s brow jumps. “So, I make them?”   
  
“I guess.”   
  
Well, that didn’t help, but no matter. Rin is numb and drowsy from what’s happening, yet he could sit here for hours, just watching this familiar apparition and seeing it move. Rin is starting to care less by the minute about what is real and what isn’t.   
  
Rin says, “I don’t understand how you’re doing things on your own if you come from me. That doesn’t make sense.”   
  
Sousuke chews the inside of his cheek. He shrugs again and picks at the sheets. “Maybe you shouldn’t question it,” Sousuke says. “This can’t be rationalized.” His brow arches with shy playfulness. “You’re such an intentional person. You’ve always tried to find meaning in everything.”   
  
The affection that blooms is startling. A sweet burn rises to his eyes; Rin just can’t get enough of hearing him, watching him, and he sobs a laugh. “You’re beautiful.” Rin grins at the ridiculousness of himself.   
  
Sousuke shakes his head and a timid smile makes quick appearance; he looks even more recognizable when it shows up, shaky as it is. With fond reprimanding, Sousuke says, “You’ve always cried at everything, too.”   
  
A lump builds in Rin’s throat until it _aches._ His shoulders jerk with each hitching breath. “I can’t – can’t help it.”   
  
“I know,” Sousuke soothes. This is the part where he would have touched Rin, should things have ended differently.   
  
Rin’s tears stop when he recalls it, for the memory never fails to cripple him with shock and shame. As foolish as it is, he whispers, “Do you – do you know what...” He swallows hard. “Do you know what happened?” He tenses. “To you?”   
  
Sousuke’s eyes close as they always did when he didn’t want Rin to know what he was thinking. Sousuke wasn’t commonly expressive – lest he was upset and it all came out at once – but Rin could read the language his eyes spoke. Sousuke opens them and says, “Is that really what you want to talk about, Rin?” He looks straight at him, unblinking with warning. “After all this time, that’s the door you want to open up?”  
  
Hurt threatens to blast him from his skin. Brows creased, Rin whispers, “Of course it is. How could I sit across from you – any version of you – and not think about it?”  
  
“I’m asking you not to.” Sousuke lifts his chin, takes a shaky inhale through his nose. “I already know how you feel.”   
  
“Yeah, but I don’t know how _you_ feel.”  
  
Sousuke pauses at that. He folds his hands together then looks at them, opening his palms up. “How should I know? I come from you. The real Sousuke is dead.”   
  
Rin’s heart falls open at the reminder. “I know.” His voice cracks on sorrow. “That’s why I wanted to hear what he would say.” Rin tucks himself against the headboard and doesn’t speak again.   
  
Sousuke watches him, apology twitching in his empty hands. They clench into fists and he sighs. “I think,” Sousuke begins carefully, “it would have been hard for him to cope with things, at first. He might have been angry for a long time, but…” He swallows. “I think he would have forgiven you.”   
  
Rin scoffs. “No, he wouldn’t have, as good as he was. Who could forgive someone that –”  
  
“He _loved_ you.”   
  
Rin starts. His mouth opens and shuts, then he chuckles. “Well.” He snorts. “You definitely come from me, because he never told me that.”   
  
Sousuke leans back on his palms, brow hiking in challenge. “You think he didn’t?”  
  
Rin makes a face, pulling his sweater sleeves up to hide his hands. Sousuke’s gaze tracks the motion. “I don’t know,” Rin admits shyly. “I thought he did - I still kind of think so, because it was supposed to be a casual thing when we both knew it wasn't – but he never told me that he loved me, even though he knew how I felt.” He hugs his arms around himself, remembering how safe he felt in a different embrace. “I was so entirely his.” The memory of it makes the world syrupy and pink.   
  
“Maybe he was scared.”   
  
“Of what?”   
  
Sousuke sighs. “They were different times, weren’t they? He could have been worried about stealing opportunities from you, if people found out.”  
  
“It was the 80s, not 1800.”  
  
“But there were _still_ powerful people who thought like it was the 1800s, yes? People that you needed to impress to reach your dreams?”   
  
Rin’s voice goes harsh. “I never would have taken any _opportunity_ without Sousuke. I could have been without anyone else in the world but him, and I would have been happy.” Passion roils through him. _“He_ was my dream above all else. He should have known that.”   
  
He bows his head. “Yeah.” He nods. “He really should have.” Sousuke chews his lip. “But does it make you feel better, that he could have forgiven you? That he probably loved you?”   
  
Rin smiles sadly. “No. That makes it so much worse.”  
  
Sousuke’s smile is just as heavy. “Maybe for you. But not for him.”   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jesus my heart pls come cry w me
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ohmacbetha) & [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/macbetha)


	7. six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “what does it feel like?”
> 
> “when i don’t drink?”
> 
> “when you do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY OCTOBER 1ST WE FREAKING MADE IT TO THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR APPLAUD YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> and happy harvest moon! bit of a longer chappie so it took a bit ;.; i hope you enjoy. 
> 
> **warning** : there is a brief scene about a dog that's been neglected, and it starts out with "true to his word". i'm trying to keep this as a teen-rated story, so it's not very graphic, but please proceed with whatever cautions you need. <3
> 
> song is [sit down beside me by patrick watson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgwdQVHpAR0). the FALL vibes oh my god

* * *

He and Sousuke talk rather absently that night as the rain travels elsewhere. The windows are flushed when humidity sinks into the air; autumn’s chill chases it away quickly enough and Rin wishes he could feel cold if only he may ask Sousuke for warmth once more.  
  
Their tones are hushed with awkwardness for a while, both stiff while they mumble across the bed. Rin gets up once just to busy himself with tidying up the room, but he's quick to return to his spot on the mattress. It takes Rin hours to sink into the situation and even longer for Sousuke’s voice to fall to a recognizable timber, but oh, when it does – when it does, the hotel room feels like a living memory. Rin recalls the many times he and Sousuke were lost in the sheets of a hotel bed much like this one, when their lovemaking created its own atmosphere like what the rain has left.  
  
The memory does not bring forth a present reaction besides a bittersweet pang. He can’t imagine what great deed he achieved in life to meet Sousuke; in this stony afterlife, Rin has certainly never done anything worth the privilege of seeing Sousuke again.  
  
Rin doesn’t feel like he’s gone mad despite that it’s obvious – he’s talking to thin air and worse, that thin air looks like someone he loved. He should be more concerned about it.  
  
Rin asks, “Have you always been with me? In my head or whatever?”  
  
Sousuke shrugs – he’s done that a lot tonight. “I’m not sure.”  
  
“But shouldn’t you know that?”  
  
“Shouldn’t you?” Sousuke’s mouth hikes into a grin at the side and Rin’s chest hollows out, floats. “You make the rules, don’t you?”  
  
Rin huffs his bangs out of his face. He looks away as he rubs his throat.  
  
Tension pulses between them and Rin wants to spew an apology, but Sousuke speaks first. His voice cracks just a bit as he says, “You’ve waited too long to drink.”  
  
That’s interesting – is this version of Sousuke only nervous because Rin gets nervous about being thirsty? That would have to be the reason why.  
  
“No, I haven’t waited too long.” Rin’s voice has dried out like he’s aged decades, though he vows, “I don’t make habits out of bad decisions.”  
  
Sousuke looks eased at that, but not by much. He hesitates with curiosity pinching his brows. “What does it feel like?”  
  
“When I don’t drink?”  
  
“When you do.”  
  
Rin’s heart jumps to his throat. Heat flares across his cheeks and Sousuke looks even more intrigued. The apparition says, “I assumed it feels like eating a regular meal.”  
  
“No.” Rin is wide-eyed on him. “Not at all. It’s – um.” He clears his throat. “Yeah, we don’t have to talk about it.”  
  
Sousuke’s mouth kicks in dark amusement but he drops the subject.  
  
“I do need to go, though,” Rin says. Hunger is gnawing at his ribs and it’s not enough to be ravaging, but he refuses to push it. He gets up and reaches for his boots by the door, then bends over to drag them on. He pauses, surprised to feel the weight of a heavy gaze bearing down on him in such a position.  
  
His face pulses hotter and he quickly laces his boots before grabbing his jacket. “It shouldn’t take long. Can you –” Rin gnaws his lip. “Can you stay here by yourself?” He grimaces, knowing that’s impossible. Rin doesn’t know how to say that he doesn’t want _any_ version of Sousuke watching him feed, but if the apparition is only an extension of Rin, then they may not have a choice.   
  
Sousuke isn’t at all ashamed of looking where he probably shouldn’t have. He says, “I’m not sure how comfortable I feel about letting you go out on your own.”  
  
Wait. What? “So you’re _not_ tethered to me?” Rin frowns in confusion.  
  
Sousuke bristles. “I’m not – saying we’re _not,_ but it might not be a good time for you to go out. The city could be on lockdown after what your fox friend did to that old man in the alleyway of that antique shop.”  
  
Holy shit, this apparition really _has_ been with Rin. “I’ll be all right.” The vampire shrugs. “Not to be an ass, but you look kind of tired.” Rin isn’t too sure about the endurance of astral projections, but Sousuke’s been sitting hunched over for at least an hour.  
  
Sousuke rolls his eyes even as he admits, “I’m not capable of lying here and napping while I wait for you to come back, but I do need to rest.” He glances up at the ceiling, struggling to find the words. “I’m not used to letting you see me. It’s a little strenuous. I’ll need more practice if I want to do it more often.”  
  
Rin should be appalled by the excitement that rushes through him – it’s a vow that he will fall even deeper into insanity, but he can’t _wait_ for it. “And do you?” He holds eye contact as he wanders back to the bed, and he stops just shy of Sousuke’s knees. Rin can’t dream of getting closer like he used to, but he dares, “Do you want to come around more often?”  
  
Sousuke blinks hard, his jaw tightening with unnamed emotions. He looks almost offended in his passion. Sousuke says, “If you’ll have me.”  
  
And that’s – yeah, that’s a little odd, but also more than a little heavenly. Rin’s fingers ache to reach out before he clenches his hands into fists. He smiles. “I’m down if you are.” Hopefully, Sousuke doesn’t notice the tightness around his eyes, all the little signs that Rin is mentally screaming prayers.  
  
“All right, then.” Sousuke rises – whoa, floats – off the bed. “I’ll see you when you get back.”  
  
Alarm skitters up Rin’s spine. “Where will you go?” Back into Rin’s head? Will he weave himself into the fabric of the universe?  
  
Sousuke smirks. “Well, normally, I’m still with you when you can’t see me.” He gives him an impressed onceover. “But it’s looking like you don’t want me to watch what you’re about to do. I appreciate it.”  
  
“I’m probably just going to find an old dog, Sousuke.”  
  
“Still, it’s thoughtful of you. You know –” He gestures to himself, to the stolen form of Rin’s first and only love. “— For his sake.”  
  
Rin will choke up fast, should he admit that everything good he’s ever done is for Sousuke’s sake. He can’t hide the frantic hitch to his voice. “Promise me that you’ll be here when I get back.”  
  
Sousuke chuckles in exasperation, though he gazes at Rin like he can’t get enough of his needy tendencies. “I promise, baby.” 

* * *

True to his word, Rin finds an old dog – a borderline _elderly_ mutt that’s chained up in someone’s backyard. The dawn will not rise for a few more hours, giving Rin plenty of time to sneak through the garden and take stock of the poor dog. He probably hasn’t had attention in years, save for the occasional table scraps thrown out the back door. Rin breaks the chain in his hands and happiness gives the dog just enough strength to sniff around the garden. He sprawls out in Rin’s lap with a wagging tail, and Rin pets through his greasy fur.  
  
“You poor baby,” the vampire sighs, offering the mutt some treats he keeps in his jacket pocket for this exact reason. He brushes something else tucked in the pocket and realizes it’s the tape that boy from the antique shop shoved at him.  
  
Rin keeps it safely tucked in his jacket before giving the mutt more treats. “It’s far too cold for you to be out here on your own. I can give your owners a good talking to if you want.”   
  
The dog blinks up tiredly.  
  
Rin’s chest aches. “You just want to go to sleep, don’t you?” He scratches behind the dog’s ears. “I know what that feels like. When I first became this way, I hoped to sleep until the end of time.” He snorts. “It didn’t work obviously, but…” Realization strikes him. “I don’t want to sleep right now.”  
  
Rin bends to whisper a delightful secret. “Have you ever imagined something wonderful coming along, something so incredible that it makes you dread sleep? I never thought I’d have that again, but _I do_ now.”  
  
The mutt whines as his joints twitch with pain; Rin sobers up. “Am I stealing that chance from you? Do you even have any happiness that you want to relive?” He kneads his forehead. “Fuck.” He can’t stand putting himself in this position, despite that he must. He rejected the idea of drinking from humans, but only after it was far too late; now, his morale cannot even bear ending the life of one old dog that doesn’t stand a chance in the world.  
  
He is reminded once more that all the good in him is for Sousuke’s sake. Decades later, in this very moment, that still rings true. It doesn’t matter what Rin is biologically inclined to do as a vampire – his dead heart is still _his_ heart.  
  
Rin bites the dog but not for reasons driven by hunger: he does it to watch the dog’s eyes bolt open wide as fresh life roars through him. His nails grow thicker as muscle builds in his chest, and the dog rises without a limp or a stumble.  
  
Rin giggles as the dog laps all over his face. “You’re welcome.” He cradles the dog’s head and beams. “Now you can chase happiness forever. I hope it treats you well.” He finds the dog’s collar amongst his unruly fur and unlocks it, glancing at the nametag. “Jaws. Fitting now, huh?”  
  
Rin guides the dog off the property before watching him trot across the empty road and into the fog. The vampire sighs, for he’s gone even longer without feeding and doesn’t know what to do. He considers sneaking around the park for some squirrels, but he’s so morally fragile this minute, he’ll burst into tears if he takes a squirrel mother from her creepy little squirrel babies. Truly, he was not built for this lifestyle.  
  
He's heard that giving good means getting good, but Rin can’t fathom finding anything better than what he’s got waiting for him back at the hotel. Starving just isn’t so scary anymore, not when he’s got better things to think about, better things to look at and _stare_ and talk to –  
  
He's pondering if insanity can reach his tastebuds and quell them when his phone vibrates. The caller is unknown and it’s the middle of the night, which makes for suspicion. Rin glances at the houses lining the street and ensures all the lights are still off as he answers. “Who is this?”  
  
_“Uh, hey,”_ a rowdy voice greets. _“This is Rin, right?”  
  
_“Depends on who you are.”  
  
_“Yeah, I’m sorry – I know this is kind of weird, but Kisumi told me to call you. I’m Asahi.”  
  
_Rin stands up straighter in surprise. “Oh. Is he okay?” It’s hard not to instead ask if _Asahi_ is okay, but since the guy sounds coherent and has not yet been cannibalized by the half-fox vixen he calls his own, Rin reckons the human is fine.  
  
_“Yeah, yeah! He’s great, man!”_ Asahi is loudly jovial – annoyingly so, but that could be Rin’s hunger talking. _“Yeah, he’s good. He’s talked about you a lot and I always thought it was crazy that both of you sort of need the same things, in a way? I mean,”_ he backpedals, _“you’re obviously not the same, but you know what I’m getting at. Not trying to stereotype anyone or – well, everyone, I literally just stereotyped all and every mythological being just then, but –”  
  
_“Did you call for a reason?”  
  
_“My uncle runs a slaughterhouse on the westside.”  
  
_Rin stills.  
  
_“Can confirm it is as creepy and grotesque as it sounds, but there’s lots of meat and lots of blood and I have a set of keys and… yeah. Everything here is already dead. So, if you’re trying to lay low and don’t wanna go all hunter-gatherer for your food right now, me and Kisumi will be here for a while longer –”  
  
_“Text me the address.”

* * *

Rin should have been more considerate upon arriving to the slaughterhouse; he should have gotten to know Asahi better before politely sidling off to make a mess of the draining rooms, but a vampire can only take so much.  
  
Rin drinks more than he ever has in his entire existence as an undead. Sips turn into gallons and he lets the monster in him take as much as it wants, for the circumstance provides them both with a newfound moral freedom.  
  
He’s never been so full; such relief has never graced him like this.  
  
Kisumi is locked in a similar state of peace, sprawled on the floor of whatever room they’ve found themselves in. Things weren't exactly clear in the haze of hunger-lust that swept them both up. The lighting is weak, and both the floors and ceilings are metal, better for cleaning, which is good – letting a kitsune and a vampire have free rain over a slaughterhouse doesn’t make for a prim affair.  
  
With exhausted humor, Rin says to Kisumi, “Come here often?”  
  
“Not as much as I should.” He sounds more like himself in his relaxation. “My instincts are harder to control than yours. If my fox wants to eat someone particular, I can’t do much to stop it.”  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
Kisumi crooks a smile. “Me too.” He adds, “I hate that I left you all alone after what happened.”  
  
“It’s okay.” He isn’t sickened by the joy that rises at the thought of returning to the hotel. “It all worked out.”  
  
Kisumi studies him, puzzled. “What do you mean? You realized that you _didn’t_ hear Sousuke’s voice?”  
  
_I realized I did.  
  
_“It doesn’t matter,” Rin breezes. “I’m feeling better.”  
  
“I’ve heard about that happening before, you know.” Kisumi turns on his side and props up on an elbow, picking his teeth with a sharp little bone. “People being followed by someone who’s died.”  
  
Rin snorts. “I doubt Sousuke would have anything to do with me after what happened.” His eyes lower. “Even if he loved me.”  
  
Kisumi watches him curiously. “You’ve never told me how he died. Just that it was awful.”  
  
“It was my fault.”  
  
Kisumi is quiet. He pats Rin’s shin in grim understanding. “Did he know you were a vampire?”  
  
“Better than anyone.”  
  
“Damn.”  
  
“Yeah.” Rin sloshes to his feet, fullness leaving him languid. “Should we try to clean this place up?”  
  
“No time.” Kisumi rises to a stand as well, though he does so with a groan. “Dogs have snuck in here before and left similar messes, so that’s what Asahi is going to tell his uncle. Thank goodness the man is a cheapskate and doesn’t have cameras.” He runs a hand through his hair, and it comes out dripping red. “They have a hosing station, so let’s wash off before we leave. Maybe there’s some old shirts or something we can wear out of here.”  
  
They wander through the building with their footsteps echoing against the metal, then Kisumi perks up. “If you want to hang out in the city a while longer, this is always an option for you. Asahi won’t mind letting you in.”  
  
Rin blinks. He’s never considered staying in one place for an extended time; it’s not recommended for vampires since they don’t age and must stay aloof, but... the concept sounds surprisingly nice, all of a sudden. He’s still weary, yet the opportunity to stay this full all the time without hurting anyone is something he absolutely needs to consider.   
  
No matter what, Sousuke will now be with him.  
  
“I’ll think about it.” 

* * *

Rin hurries back to the hotel best he can as he sneaks across rooftops in the dawn. It’s a pain to move fast when he’s this stuffed, but his heart is singing, urging him faster. It’s good that he and Kisumi did find uniforms to wear, just some greasy jeans and ratty shirts, though Rin still probably looks startling. He’s never been this strong before, having fed so much. His eyes may be glowing. He worries if Sousuke will notice and be afraid.  
  
Rin wonders what the apparition has seen him do if they’ve been together a long time. Sousuke confirmed that he saw what happened at that antique shop, but what about before? What about decades ago, when the real Sousuke died and Rin went out of his mind for _years?  
  
_Did he see what Rin did? Did he see what happened to the real Sousuke?  
  
Tears sting his eyes at the thought and he’s full-out crying when he crashes into the hotel room. Brokenly, he calls, “Sousuke!”  
  
There is no response, no movement around him. Rin’s heart falls from where it had risen in joy and desperation leaves him hyperventilating. The world feels empty and he’s never been more alone. He falls to his knees in hysterics.  
  
So lost to his utter terror, Rin doesn’t comprehend the hands knocking at his shoulders, shaking him. Someone is telling him to stop, begging to know what’s wrong.  
  
Rin startles, mouth open, body shaking. He groans in relief as Sousuke stares back and Rin flings his arms around the man right there on the floor. It’s so fragile and fascinating, being able to do this to something translucent yet solid to the touch; it’s dizzying endorphins like none other, being caged in an embrace so familiar; it is carousel music and sakura blooms.  
  
Sousuke is rigid under his hands. The apparition lets out a huff against Rin’s cheek, a vulnerable noise – then arms circle the vampire’s waist and squeeze him with a passion that seems built up for years.  
  
“You’ve seen everything horrible I’ve ever done,” Rin croaks. “I’m so –” A sob wracks his chest. “I’m so sorry.”  
  
“You didn’t know I was there.”  
  
“But you _were_ there _,_ it doesn’t matter.” He buries his face in Sousuke’s neck, too ashamed to look him in the eye. “You know what happened to him. _You know.”  
  
_Sousuke stiffens. “I do.”  
  
“Then why the hell are you being sweet to me?” His voice is wrecked, nothing but a wet rasp. “Even if you’re from me, any version of him should hate me.”  
  
Sousuke leans back only to cradle Rin’s face and it – it just makes everything go still inside of the vampire. Those hands have no texture, no warmth, but the weight of them is the _same_ and how they hold Rin so adoringly is too much to bear.  
  
Sousuke’s gaze roams over him lazily, taking his time to drink in every inch of Rin. When their eyes meet again, the apparition says, “I can’t sit here and excuse what you did just because he loved you. There _was_ a time you weren’t careful. People paid for it, Rin. You were both foolish, but he died for it.”  
  
Rin struggles to keep looking at him through the tears, but he forces himself to do so. With firm finality, Sousuke says, “He died. It can’t be undone, ever. The world has moved on without him and you haven’t – but I can’t blame you for that. I’m sure he would appreciate how sorry you are.”  
  
“It doesn’t matter that I’m sorry. I can’t change what happened.”  
  
“No, you can’t. Neither can he.” Sousuke rakes his fingers through Rin’s hair to push it back, then the apparition tips his head. “Would you have hated him, if the roles were reversed?”  
  
“No,” Rin spews in horror. _“No.”_  
  
Sousuke nods to himself. “I think he still loves you, Rin.” He pauses. “Wherever he ended up.” Sousuke takes his hands and holds them to quell their shaking. With uncharacteristic nervousness, the apparition wonders, “Do you really still love him? Even when he’s not here?”  
  
Rin laughs, tears streaming through it. “There’s no one else for me. Even now. I’ll survive off the memory of him until I’m dust.” He sniffles, struggling to compose himself. “I didn’t kill the dog I found tonight. My friend has access to a slaughterhouse where I can drink all I want. Sousuke –” He fails to pull a breath through glorious relief. “I won’t have to hurt anyone else ever again if I stay here in the city. I might just do it for that alone because I know it would Sousuke happy, that I’ve found a way to sustain myself.” His smile shakes at the edges. “And I could visit his grave and make sure it looks nice, and I can leave him flowers every spring. Maybe I can help him not feel alone, wherever he is.”  
  
Sousuke stares.  
  
When the apparition surges in and their lips touch, a quiet little thought flutters to life in Rin’s mind – that not even in his most acute fantasies has he ever been able to define the exact way Sousuke kissed him. It did too much to Rin for him to remember it clearly.  
  
Now, it’s all coming back to him in a gorgeous storm.  
  
It’s slow for only moments, with Rin’s lip nestled between Sousuke’s own, and it’s the sweetest, firm pressure – making Rin feel how precious he is. Neither of them could hide their feelings when they kissed, for there was no room to be afraid.  
  
Then Sousuke’s got a hand on Rin’s jaw, coaxing everything so much closer, and it’s like falling with his eyes closed.  
  
Like always, kissing Sousuke does too much to Rin for the vampire to realize that such a way of loving someone could not be so accurately duplicated in his own apparition. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just about two more chappies left ;.; they'll ofc probably be longer like this one, so i can make sure i'm content and everything is wrapped up nicely / not too rushed. this is a shorter story but i still wanna make sure everything is paced well enough~ did makoharu finish all of that tape??? no??? hmmm ;) 
> 
> BTW about jaws he is not going to vampire massacre the city sglskfaa i'm treating it like the vampire animals in ikigai, in that the animals are just as immortal as vampires, but the bloodlust isn't as strong. i would go back and put that in the chapter but i don't want it to be awkward, so - yeah, just think of it as an immortal dog now. sorry lol
> 
> on sousuke claiming that materializing is strenuous: this idea comes from the theory of ghost sightings. typically, someone considers a paranormal experience to be hearing / seeing something odd, possibly on occasion, but not all the time. if you wanna give professional ghost hunters any credit, they use so much equipment like voice boxes and heat sensory to give ghosts alternate ways of making themselves known. in my mind, if that's all legit, which, idk it's arguable lmao, then it must be difficult for ghosts to materialize. it happens, yes, but it's typically brief. 
> 
> "resting" to sousuke means that he's just not visible anymore, however, he did stay true to his word and did not follow rin this time. we'll hear about how difficult that was from his end in the next chapter. 
> 
> i guess you might be wondering if i actually believe in ghosts but it's a little difficult for me to explain in a brief manner (like everything else hhh) so maybe i'll do a twitter post about it or something if you're interested on my specific perspective. 
> 
> thank you for reading and oh my god, THANK YOU for the comments on this story. i'm literally in awe of yall. thank you thank you for taking the time to let me know what you think. it's been so fun for me, making a conversation out of your theories and feelings. please continue to stay safe!


	8. seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you wouldn’t believe the stuff he’d do to make sure i didn't cry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this one hurts 
> 
> **warning** : you will find out in this chapter how sousuke passed away. it isn't extensively graphic, but there is enough detail to let you know exactly how it happened. proceed with any cautions you need. 
> 
> there's some lyrics at the start of this chapter but i really wrote it to [are you with me by niul](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dX_BpNTcd1g). jhene's song is just a one-two punch in the context of this story ;.; and you need to be listening to her music, seriously

* * *

_Really, we had the perfect end  
  
That night we shared at the Comfort Inn  
  
We made love like the world would have ended  
  
If either of us had admitted  
  
We were in love  
  
_ _Cause that night turned into every weekend  
  
_ _Every weekend turned into every evening  
  
_ _You took me out and left me in the  
  
_ _Deep end  
  
_ _You were the one so it was worth it.  
  
_ **Jhené Aiko - Comfort Inn Ending (Part 2)**

* * *

Sousuke ponders how common it is for people to lose traits upon becoming ghosts. He reckons that a lot of personalities are driven by circumstance or environments where folks are put into human situations: bills, hunger, exhaustion. Such predicaments are nigh in the life of a ghost, so a new outlook is natural.  
  
Sousuke wasn’t a reckless person in life but his caution was not born from the fear of dying. He was smart, could read people faster than a whip, and he never found himself snowballing into a lie that would surely result in messy trauma.  
  
Yet here he is – snowballing and lying effortlessly so, only to make sure Rin keeps smiling.  
  
It’s selfish of Sousuke. It’s wrong, but he doesn’t think either of them will be able to take it should Rin find out the truth. Sousuke doesn’t understand why he feel so guilty, should that be the case. This is the only way they can be together.  
  
They stay in that hotel bed the entire day, only looking, touching, talking. Rin presses their palms together and raises them to the day’s last bit of grey sunlight peeking through the window. It goes through Sousuke’s hand and stops against Rin’s fingers. Rin stares up at their hands curiously, shifting them around in the air. “Wow,” he breathes, letting their fingers fall together slowly. He whispers a laugh in the minutes of watching their hands. “It feels so real.”  
  
“Won’t the light hurt you after a while?” He watches Rin’s skin start to pinken. The vampire might not die in sunlight, but discomfort is certainly evident.  
  
Rin smiles as if precious things are happening all around him. “It’s worth it.” His hand heals the moment it is tucked back into the shadows between them. Rin faces Sousuke on his side, studying every inch of his face: the downward slope of his brows, the cut of his jaw, his eyes. Rin pauses, searching his gaze. “He’d never let me stare at him very long. He was actually shy about some things.”  
  
Sousuke chuckles. “I’m sure it was only because he knew you were better to stare at than him.”  
  
“Not true.” Rin grazes the side of his hand down Sousuke’s cheek, delicate and light. “He told me to just take a picture instead.” He grins. “So he let me film him a lot. Don’t smirk at me like that, it was more than just sex tapes.”  
  
“Whatever you say.”  
  
Rin chews his lip as he plays with Sousuke’s hair. “I’d love to see us again – I mean, in that life.” Quick and wide-eyed, he adds, “Not that you aren’t great.”  
  
“I get it,” Sousuke assures. He’s often wished to return to the pass despite knowing he would only make the same mistakes.  
  
The hand in his hair stills. “Wait.” Rin gets up in a flurry of sheets and grabs his jacket from where it was wadded on top of the television. He pulls out the tape from the antique shop and looks at Sousuke with twinkling mischief.  
  
Sousuke floats over to squint around the television. “There isn’t a VCR player here.”  
  
“No,” Rin says. “But there’s got to be one at that antique store.”  
  
Dread and intrigue meld to concoct a stressful mess of nerves in Sousuke. “You think that’s a good idea? The place might have closed temporarily after what happened.”  
  
Rin sidles up to his chest and purses his lips in adorable challenge. “Scared?”  
  
Sousuke drops into a dull frown, ignoring how kissable Rin’s mouth looks. “No.” However, he is absolutely concerned – he can’t imagine that the ghosts living in that shop will be pleased to see him back. Hopefully, they aren’t the type to manifest, but Sousuke doesn’t know. Everyone working at that store might be aware of their paranormal tenants. If Rin sees Nao and Natsuya, it won’t go over well. Hallucinating Sousuke is one thing but seeing two dead people he doesn’t know is another set of problems entirely.   
  
Rin puts on his jacket and shoes, then grabs Sousuke’s wrist. “One quick little round of breaking-and-entering, watching what is probably a sex tape – a top-notch one, might I add – then we leave. In and out.” He rubs over Sousuke’s forearm. “Memory lane is a lonely walk by yourself, don’t you think?”  
  
Sousuke arches a brow. The last time he left Rin alone, he burst into the hotel room sobbing and emotionally destroyed. Perhaps Sousuke can stop that from happening again if he tags along.  
  
Plus, Rin hasn’t looked more like himself in decades as he grins so playfully up at Sousuke.  
  
He sighs. “Fine. Let’s wait until it gets dark.”

* * *

They sneak into the antique shop around midnight – well, _Rin_ sneaks in. Sousuke merely floats through the front door and wanders to the second story so he can wait for Rin to slip through the roof. The ceiling tiles quiver before crashing apart, and Rin lands in a heap of dust on the floor.  
  
Sousuke eyes him in smug judgement. “Quick little round of breaking-and-entering, huh?”  
  
“Fuck off,” Rin grumbles, shaking out his hair. He glances around in the moonlight and notices a nook tucked in the corner with a couch and television. Intrigued, he goes over to check it out.  
  
“Pardon me.”  
  
Sousuke inhales sharply and turns around. Nao is propped against the interior balcony with his arms folded while Natsuya floats cross-legged. The older ghost gives Sousuke a scathing onceover before droning, “I’m now starting to realize why a vampire would need protecting. You seem to let him get away with anything.”  
  
“We’re not here to rob the place,” Sousuke hisses as quietly as he can. He glances around the corner to ensure Rin is still fiddling with the television, and Sousuke coughs, “Hey, uh – I’m gonna look around for a bit.”  
  
“Have fun,” Rin says.  
  
Sousuke dematerializes and goes unseen, though he can still see Nao and Natsuya and they see him. He leans in close to the other ghosts and whispers, “Please, don’t show yourselves to him.”  
  
With seething demure, Nao dares, “Or what?”  
  
Sousuke works his jaw. “Rin didn’t have anything to do with what happened to that old man. He came in this shop to make sure everyone inside would be safe.”  
  
Nao’s entire form pulses red, drawn from the top of his head and scoring to his feet. _“Safe?”  
  
_ “Hey.” Natsuya puts a hand on his companion’s shoulder. “Nao, sweetheart, go wander around for a while. I’ll handle this.”  
  
Nao is taken aback; it seems that grabbing the reins isn’t usually Natsuya’s thing, yet the younger ghost merely pets Nao’s hair with a tight smile. It doesn’t sit right on his bright features. “It’s okay.”   
  
Nao fumes in silence, pierces Sousuke with one more glare, then fades away as he descends the stairs.  
  
Natsuya shakes out his jacket and rolls his shoulders, uncomfortable with the position he’s put himself in. “Sorry,” the ghost mumbles. “He doesn’t like seeing people get hurt.” He hesitates. “Nao died in a bad way, so he gets… defensive. I swear, he’s not usually this upset.”  
  
Sousuke sighs. “It’s fine. I get it.” He toes the rug with his shoe out of habit, though the motion doesn’t shift the fabric. “Did that old guy die?”  
  
“No,” Natsuya says, brows lifted and pleased. “Showed up to the hospital without his liver, but I hear he’s recovering well. He’s a feisty one. Makoto – his grandson – has popped in a few times to check on things. He brings his boyfriend and I overhear them talking about it.”  
  
Sousuke deflates with relief. “I’m glad.”  
  
“Me too.” Natsuya nods around the corner. “You were manifested when your boy crashed through the ceiling.”  
  
Sousuke winces and rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah, it’s… complicated.”  
  
“But you’re able to manifest for long periods of time?”  
  
He snorts. “Not without strain.”  
  
Natsuya nods in thought. “I take it you haven’t done it much before.” At Sousuke’s head-shake, the ghost muses, “I’m assuming you’re from the 80s by your clothes, so you died before me and oughta know this, but – you realize you can pull energy from things, right?”  
  
Sousuke blinks. “To make noise and get attention, yeah.”  
  
“No,” Natsuya laughs. “To stay manifested.” He shrugs and explains, “Nao and I usually manifest at night, so people think someone’s in here and won’t try to rob the store.” He nods around the shop. “There’s old electronics everywhere in here. Ghosts draw power from technology. That’s why most of this stuff doesn’t work once someone buys it and takes it home, because we've been using it.”  
  
“… oh.” It’s soft and disbelieving. Finding more ways to be with Rin makes Sousuke believe that perhaps, he really is doing the right thing.  
  
Natsuya straightens out his legs to hover over the floor. “You gotta practice a lot, though.” He heads over to the stairs in search of Nao, but he throws Sousuke a lazy grin. “Maybe we can help you once things settle down. Just give it time and don’t steal anything tonight.”  
  
“Will do,” Sousuke says numbly.  
  
Natsuya fades away and Sousuke goes back to Rin in a stupor. He’s fiddling with the television dial and the tape is snug in its player. It seems to be rewinding. Sousuke floats over to the couch and sits down, then realizes he never manifested again. The moment he does so, Rin almost hits the ceiling in fright.  
  
 _“Jesus,”_ he scoffs, hand instinctually falling to his dead heart. “Don’t do that.”  
  
Sousuke smirks. “Scared?”  
  
Rin pouts. He kicks Sousuke’s ankle before flopping down beside him on the couch. The vampire curls up, tucking himself in the crook of Sousuke’s right shoulder, and Rin nuzzles him there as he mumbles, “Sitting like this used to hurt him.” He kisses Sousuke’s shoulder for emphasis. “He tore his rotary cuff while swimming.”  
  
Sousuke remembers. He takes a careful breath. “It doesn’t hurt.” _Not anymore._  
  
“Mm, good.” Rin nestles his head there and they wait for the static to dissolve on the screen. The picture is fuzzy-grainy, but Sousuke would recognize that pool anywhere.  
  
“Holy shit,” Rin startles in a laugh. “That’s the campus pool.”  
  
Sousuke can’t even respond. Rin is leaning over the pool’s edge, listening intently as the recognizable voice of their coach gives him pointers. Rin looks so _young_ in ways Sousuke doesn’t even mean physically. It’s clear as day that Rin believed in himself; his wildest fantasies were entirely possible. He is panting, muscles spasming from pushing himself harder and harder toward his dreams, and he doesn’t take the coach’s criticism to heart before dropping back into the water. Rin would have done anything to get what he wanted, even at the sake of his pride.  
  
The next scene is blasted with sunlight before fading clear. Sousuke remembers that fountain, how he never liked to hang out there due to little shade, but Rin loved it. He’s filming two guys goofing around dangerously close to the fountain’s edge.  
  
Rin lets out a breath. “That’s –”  
  
 _Rei and Nagisa,_ Sousuke knows.  
  
Rei is acting like a complete spaz as he struggles to pull Nagisa from the fountain’s edge, then he gives up with a huff. Nagisa hurdles face-first into the water with a splash that has Rin wailing laughter behind the camera.  
  
The vampire’s brows crease with emotion. “I hope they’re happy somewhere now.”  
  
Sousuke’s chest aches. “Mm.”  
  
The picture flickers to the study hall and nausea punches Sousuke in the gut when he sees himself at one of the tables. Dizziness spirals between his eyes and he struggles to remain composed. Rin appears to be lost in a similar battle.  
  
Rin says something on the video, Sousuke replies – there’s a flirty scuffle but Sousuke isn’t all too aware at the moment. He’s grounded when Rin throws an arm around his stomach in a loose hug, and Sousuke rubs the point of Rin’s elbow. Like an apology, he whispers into the vampire’s hair, “You looked good together.”  
  
Rin pulls him even closer, never peeling his gaze from the screen.  
  
Sousuke watches them swim in the next clip and he’s amazed at how in-sync they were, even if their times weren’t. Sousuke knew when he needed to speed up and Rin knew when he needed to slow down just a bit so Sousuke wouldn’t hate himself over his shoulder injury. _It’s not that bad,_ Rin would say. _See, you’re not slower at all.  
  
_ Rin was willing to lose races for him. Sousuke put a wall between Rin and his dreams and Rin _let him.  
  
_ The screen goes to outdoors in the wintertime. To anyone else, it would be shocking to see two men out so late at night out in the snow, but there was a reason for it. Sousuke checks the date in the corner of the screen and he remembers how difficult it was to lure Rin out into the fresh air. Sousuke could only take him out at night because –  
  
“You were –” He catches himself. “Were you a vampire at this point?”   
  
It's not obvious by the video alone. The camera doesn’t track Rin’s quick motions right for a few frames, but besides that, nobody watching would notice. Nobody in person ever realized it besides Sousuke.  
  
“Yeah, I had already turned,” Rin says. He watches him and Sousuke skitter across the ice. “You know, after what happened with Sousuke, I tried to find that college scout who changed me.” He shakes his head in frustration. “I didn’t remember enough about him to know where to look.”  
  
Sousuke treads carefully. “Do you even remember any of it?”  
  
Rin tips his head. “I know he watched me swim and asked me to come back to his hotel room to go over some things.” The vampire shudders, bunching up in anger. “I was so _stupid._ He kept saying that I was so promising, that I was out of this world, and then – then it was just pain. I woke up alone and called Sousuke.”  
  
Sousuke swallows at the memory. He doubts either of them had ever been more scared in their lives than when Rin called him that night.  
  
“Sousuke was really good to me about it,” Rin says as if not realizing it. “Too good. He wanted me to feel better and knew I liked filming things, so he told me to take my camera out that night.”  
  
They are still failing to skate on the screen. Rin is trying to kiss Sousuke, leaning forward for it, parting his lips, but Sousuke gets distracted. The vampire huffs as he watches. “I think he was nervous. Thought I’d bite him.”  
  
Sousuke knows the question to the answer he asks. “Had you even fed once at this point?” He gestures to the television.  
  
Faintly, Rin traces his teeth with his tongue as if remembering a sweet taste. “No. But I did that night.”  
  
“He let you…?”  
  
“Yeah. He offered to let me drink from him. It became a thing.” Rin looks numb in the face, his expression slack. “He was my only food source.” Rin’s eyes sink closed. “I really was stupid.”  
  
The video shifts to another clip and a shudder rakes Sousuke’s back. He remembers every inch of that room. Nothing is remarkable about it, nothing at all. Every shoddy hotel always looked the same with the dark shades of colors best painted brightly. The mattresses always squeaked. The sheets itched. He and Rin risked getting tossed out of every one of those hotel rooms, they were so obsessively wrapped up in each other: in pulling noises from each other; in caging those sounds between open mouths that never spoke the words that needed to just be fucking _said.  
  
_ This night started out no different than the others. It was Friday. Classes were over. Sousuke paid for the room. He fell in bed with Rin because they both needed to prove that nothing had changed. They could still do this casually; they could still sleep together like they always had, and it didn’t matter that Rin no longer had a heartbeat.  
  
Sousuke remembers what it was like that night – doesn’t have to watch it on the screen, but he does anyway. No single trace of arousal scorches him, for he can only feel _vile_ toward the version of himself on the video. Rin was a vampire with dreams turned to dust. There was no reason to hide his feelings any longer, but Sousuke did. He made love to Rin in complete silence, every motion of him urging Rin to believe that it was okay to leave things unspoken on the edge. He wanted Rin to just _know._  
  
He watches him and Rin draw their clothes back on, their expressions stiff. It’s clear that they both forgot the camera was rolling.  
  
Sousuke was too much of a coward to say the words he needed to, so he rephrased his confession. He listens to himself on the screen as if Rin needs a drink.  
  
Like a hand yanking his spine, the vampire jerks beside Sousuke. “Oh my god,” Rin pants, realizing what’s about to happen. His eyes brim with horrified tears. “Oh my god –”  
  
 _“Don’t watch.”_ Sousuke forces Rin’s face into his shoulder again and the vampire puts both hands over his ears as his body wracks. Sousuke sweeps him up in his arms, letting Rin cling to him like it’s the end of the world and Sousuke is the only protection.  
  
Sousuke reaches a hand toward the television and with the tops of his fingers at the edge of his vision, he watches the scene play out for only a minute. He doesn’t feel what he expected to – perhaps he should feel traumatized as he watches Rin sink his fangs into Sousuke’s left shoulder one final time before losing control, but he really doesn’t. A brief stab of grief pricks him, then acceptance builds a stone wall up inside him.  
  
Before the scene can meet its end, Sousuke squeezes his hand into a satisfying fist and static explodes across the screen. The tape whirls to a stop, jammed in its player with the film frayed and never playable again.  
  
Sousuke isn’t afraid to talk as he cradles his vampire in an embrace. He hushes him soothingly, whispering every comfort he knows – _shh, baby, you’re okay, love –_ but it’s clear that something is now broken inside Rin. That’s all right. Sousuke will love any version of Rin that emerges on the other side of this shock, just as he always has. It doesn’t matter if Rin never speaks again nor leaves bed. Sousuke will be at his side not to placate him with lying insistences, but to let him know that acceptance is possible.  
  
“Sousuke.”  
  
He looks up at the voice and Nao hovers at the other end of the couch, only visible to Sousuke. Nao glances at Rin with crossed arms and an unreadable expression, then he lifts his chin at Sousuke. “It’s almost morning, so Makoto might drop by soon. Please make yourself scarce if that happens.”  
  
Sousuke nods a bit as Nao floats downstairs once more. Surprisingly enough, it is almost morning. The cloudy sunrise whisks an amber blush through the shop, the color of warm comfort.  
  
Rin is dead weight on Sousuke’s chest as the sunrise lays rose across his glossy face. Sousuke pulls him up to thumb his cheek and the ghost’s mouth crooks into a tender expression. “We need to leave soon.” He kisses Rin’s forehead.  
  
The vampire just stares and croaks, _“I’m sorry.”  
  
_ Sousuke doesn’t feel the pressing need to respond any specific way. He’s not indifferent, he doesn’t want to placate nor brush grim reality under the rug. He finds the most peace by whispering, “Thank you. For being sorry.”  
  
Rin fiddles with Sousuke’s shirt collar and the ghost is patient to let him sort out his thoughts a minute more. Rin sniffles a bitter laugh. “He hated to see me cry. I don’t know how he ever put up with me.” His eyes squeeze shut in sorrow. “You wouldn’t believe the stuff he’d do to make sure I didn't cry.”  
  
“And you’re still not sure if he loved you,” Sousuke teases.  
  
Rin breathes a sweet laugh, opening his eyes with tears clinging to his lashes, making them thicker. He’s got a little smile, probably thinking about something kinder as his fingers dance under Sousuke’s shirt opening – just playing, just trying to busy himself.  
  
Rin stills when he finds a sudden texture on Sousuke’s skin. Puzzled, the vampire tugs Sousuke’s shirt collar to the side just in time for Sousuke to snatch Rin’s wrist –  
  
Rin’s expression proves that he was too late.  
  
The vampire gapes down at the crescent scar mauling Sousuke’s left shoulder. His chest gallops for breath. Trembling fingers brush the teeth marks that ended Sousuke’s life that night at the hotel. Rin touches him knowing that’s the shape of _his_ teeth and they should _not_ be pressed into the form of a mere _apparition,_ not when Rin had no idea how that final bite would scar over.  
  
When Rin looks at him, the vampire knows exactly who is staring back at him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL SHIT 
> 
> you might have noticed in the video clip of what happens to sousuke, there's a bit that goes "before the scene can meet its end." i didn't mean that like there's something else on the tape they should have waited for and watched, it just means sousuke destroyed the tape before it could get too graphic. he didn't feel as though he needed to watch the whole thing for closure.
> 
> just one more chapter left ;.; thank you so much for taking the time to read. pls let me know what you think and stay safe! <3 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ohmacbetha) & [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/macbetha)


	9. eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why do the flowers leave if they are only going to come back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> final chapter + epilogue coming at you~ ;.;
> 
> [sasha sloan dancing with your ghost](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qzc_aX8c8g4).

* * *

Rin has never taken the nature of life well.   
  
He was five the first time his father took him to their neighbor’s sprawling farm, where there were rows and rows of sakura trees. They went each year from that point on, but when Rin turned seven, there were circumstances with work that did not enable his father to take him until later in the year. Rin was devastated to see the trees near barren; their dark wood stood out more against the cold landscape, for the first bites of autumn had took Rin’s flowers away too soon.  
  
Rin’s father assured him that it was natural for the flowers to leave when the weather grew unforgiving; they would return in the spring as if nothing happened, and like most children who encounter something strange, Rin asked why – _why do the flowers leave if they are only going to come back?_  
  
His father explained that everything has its own cycle, even people. Rin assumed the man was referring to life and death, but in his child’s mind, he wondered if that meant individuals come back to their places and people after death.   
  
He remembers his father smiling in marvel of Rin’s epiphany and the man told him that he would like to think that was true.   
  
Rin wanted to believe that as well. But not like this.   
  
He flies off Sousuke and stumbles, sliding back against the wall and to the floor. Rin’s lips move for words, but nothing comes out. When he meets Sousuke’s gaze, he feels sick.  
  
Sousuke says, “Rin, I –” He buries his head in his hands _. “Fuck.”_   
  
“How?” Rin’s mouth barely moves. _“How?”  
  
_ Sousuke swallows before rising. “We need to leave –”  
  
 _“Don’t tell me what to do.”_ It comes out in a raspy scream, senseless. Rin hauls himself to his feet, though he stays plastered to the wall as his only sense of reality. “Tell me how this is possible, because it’s not!” Desperation claws open a pit in his gut. _“It’s not.”_   
  
Sousuke blinks hard up at the ceiling. His heart feels scraped raw, peeled back layer by later to display the infidelity of his actions to the world. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.   
  
A spasm works its way through Rin’s shoulders. “For what? For making me think I’m insane when you’re _actually –”_ His inhale gets choppy. “How long?”   
  
“What?”   
  
_“How long have you been with me?”  
  
_ Sousuke can’t even begin to say it, but his silence is enough of an answer.   
  
The room spins. What has Rin done, what has he _done?_   
  
Black dots of shock penetrate his vision. Sousuke gets closer, Rin jerks back a step. The vampire stares down at his own quivering hands and whispers, “I need to – " but he doesn’t even know. All he can comprehend is that this it too much.   
  
“I don’t want you to go off somewhere alone,” Sousuke says. "I don't want you to hurt yourself."  
  
Rin scoffs at him. “How could I _not?_ This has to be my doing.”   
  
“It’s not –”  
  
 _“You wouldn’t be dead without me.”_ Pressure sinks into his chest and makes it hard to choke out the words. “It was all my fault,” Rin hisses, anger so encompassing that it’s only survivable in the form of self-loathing. Guilt like that would strike any other person down, should he direct it at them.   
  
“You’re right,” Sousuke concedes. “It was.” Everything was Rin’s fault: the birth of all Sousuke’s smiles, the lovesick breathlessness, the decades of aching and wandering – but above all, it is Rin’s faults because Sousuke would relive every moment of it if only Rin would keep missing him.   
  
Sousuke dares to get closer. He doesn’t touch Rin, but there’s nowhere else for the vampire to look as Sousuke speaks without the slightest bit of hatred. That acceptance he’s adopted rings true in his voice and he hopes it carries. “I’m a ghost. I have been since the moment I died, and I have followed you since then.”   
  
Rin bristles, eyes bloodshot and glossy.  
  
Sousuke murmurs, “I don’t know what drove me to do it. For a long time, I was upset, and I had the right to be.” His head bows before raising stronger. “But I knew above all else that I needed to be with you, and I felt like you still needed me. I watched you find new ways to quell your thirst. I saw you change.” He levels their gazes. “I saw you give me reasons to stay, and I knew you were the reason I came back.”   
  
Guilt like fire threatens to bring Rin to his knees. He hitches, “You have unfinished business, right? That’s what all this is about?” Not an ounce of fear creeps over him as he begs, “Tell me what I need to do. Whatever you need for peace, I’ll do it. Please, let me.”   
  
“Rin –”  
  
“If I have to stand in the sun and not make a sound as it burns me to death over _years_ , I’ll do it, Sousuke.” Brokenly, he pleads, “If you need to watch me starve, I’ll do it. If it needs to be you or me or whoever that drives a thousand stakes into my chest, I won’t fight it. I’ll do whatever it takes, Sousuke, _please –”  
  
_ _“Stop.”_ Sousuke grabs him by the shoulders and pins him to the wall, offended to the core. He shakes his head, but his scoff is a harsh affection. “You’re an idiot sometimes, you know that? You think I don’t have peace because you’re still walking this earth and that’s somehow not fair? An eye-for-an-eye bullshit? _Are you kidding me?”  
  
_ Rin is absolutely still, timid in his disbelief. “What else could it be?”  
  
Sousuke laughs hopelessly as he cradles the vampire’s face in hand. “Rin.” He presses their foreheads together. When the ghost sighs, it hits Rin's trembling lips and ends his shaking.   
  
Sousuke whispers, _“Loving you_ is my unfinished business.”   
  
Numbness locks Rin in place. His hysterics fall away, and it goes quiet in his mind, fast enough to wind him. He pulls his head back from Sousuke’s before studying the ghost’s expression, finding it melted in sentiment. Rin can only distantly comprehend that the sunrise passes through Sousuke, as if he is too good for even the holy light of day to touch.   
  
Rin says, “You love me that much? To stay, to be here like this?” Panic rakes him. "Do you have to leave now that you've said it aloud?"  
  
Sousuke scrapes his thumb across his cheek in admiration. “I can't love you if I'm resting in a grave, Rin. This is how I can be with you and this is how I'll stay." He looks overwhelmed with emotion. "I want to be with you however I can. I’m sorry I didn’t make that clear, back then. I was a coward.” A self-depreciating smile carves his mouth. “I really was anxious about all the wrong things. I just wanted you to make it and I felt like I would hold you back.” He grimaces. “That feeling went with me into this form. I didn’t want to pull you down.”   
  
“You made me _stronger,”_ Rin professes, shaking him lightly. “You always have.” He places both hands on Sousuke’s chest, somehow comforted that his heart is as still as Rin’s own. He thinks for a minute. “I do feel guilty you’re stuck like this and I always will. There’s no sense in pretending otherwise. I deserve to carry what I did to you as long as I’m here.” He takes Sousuke’s face into his hands to look him in the eye. “This is gonna be hard.”   
  
“Yeah.”   
  
“Like, as in – I’m glad we’re both immortal because it may take that long for things to be okay or anywhere close to like they used to be.”   
  
“I get that.”   
  
Rin swallows. “Are you sure that loving me is worth it? You could rest; that’s what you deserve.”   
  
Sousuke simply looks humored. He takes his time kissing both of Rin’s cheeks, his nose. He pecks between his brows and both corners of his mouth, then he says, “You really have no idea how far I’d go to make sure you never cry.”   
  
Love absorbs the grief inside him and for the first time since death, the vampire is _warm.  
  
_ It's a blissful release, feeling a tear drip off his chin. Rin smiles brokenly. “I’m not crying.”   
  
“Whatever you say.”   
  
Sousuke wants to kiss him. It's all over his face, but he's waiting. It's so clear he would wait forever if Rin needed him to.   
  
When Rin nods and watches the ghost lean in, it’s like drowning in a place that only they know – an untouchable eternity only they may exist in, and it is nothing but dark with the unknown. There is a promise of wrestling with their emotions, and a promise of facing the strife hand-in-hand, heart-in-heart.   
  
They have never wanted anything more.   
  
Rin grabs Sousuke in an embrace to kiss him back, and they hungrily seal their fates. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so everyone pretty much gathered that rin was, of course, sousuke's unfinished business, but i hope his confession of "loving you is my unfinished business" cleared things up. he wasn't honest about it in life, so becoming a ghost was sort of his second chance. i'm assuming that if he stopped loving rin, however, he would not have a reason to stay. but, spoiler that isn't really a spoiler because i'm predictable, that's not going to happen.
> 
> i know that everyone is used to drawn-out, extensive conflict with me, but i've really used this fic to practice making things shorter while doing my very best to make sure they are still register as coherent. this was an extremely strenuous challenge for me, which sounds backwards, struggling to write a lesser wordcount lol, but it really was! i do hope you've still enjoyed. i've had so much fun with this little universe. <3
> 
> onto the epilogue ;.;
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ohmacbetha) & [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/macbetha)


	10. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> will you go anywhere with me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [welcome home, son by radical face](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6US1A0-FHM).

* * *

It’s been a weird few months for Nanase Haruka.  
  
Driving his boyfriend’s grandfather to the hospital sans liver was one thing, just the first little brush of _what the hell_ that would later explode into an absolute clusterfuck of reality. The rise to impossibility was a slow ladder to climb. Next came checking on the antique shop with Makoto only to find that immortal asshole from the sex tape dry-humping a phantom on the couch that Haruka typically dry-humps his boyfriend. It didn’t help that two other spirits suddenly burst to life in their faces to try and _explain_ what was going on.  
  
Makoto threw up. He also fainted. Then he woke up and told Haruka he loved him, so things could have gone worse, he supposes.  
  
In all honesty, it took _both_ Haruka and Makoto a while to not think everyone around them might be some sort of creature. It doesn’t matter how many times Natsuya tries to make light of the situation and half-heartedly explain things, and it certainly doesn’t help when Nao gives them a lectured run-down of undead horseshit. There’s ghosts and vampires walking the earth, great. Haruka still has a paper due and a boyfriend to keep sane.  
  
Thankfully, Makoto’s grandfather made a full recovery from having his liver stolen. Makoto didn’t want to know what type of monster attacked the poor man that night, and Haruka demanded baby-steps to the supernatural in accordance. Maybe they will get curious about it in a few years, but probably not. Makoto needs to be sheltered as much as possible and Haruka has made it his life’s duty to one, survive university and two, help Makoto navigate this wild path they’ve stumbled upon.  
  
Despite that Makoto’s grandfather will live, his physical therapy is intense, and it will take a while longer for his body to get back into working order. So, Makoto runs the antique shop, and Haruka helps out not only on Fridays, but every evening. He does his homework at the counter, labels inventory, and offers kisses whenever Makoto needs them – which is most of the time. Haruka doesn’t mind.  
  
Nowadays, the shop changes at night. Bless Tachibana Makoto, for even though he is terrified of all things that don’t stay dead, he thought it was _rude_ not to let Nao and Natsuya manifest in a shop they had been in longer than anyone else. Makoto even worried that Nao didn’t like how certain displays were set up, for he was the original owner of the shop and _I just don’t know, Haru, do you think he’d approve of the taxidermy bobcats sitting right there in the shop windows? Oh my god, do you think the bobcats are still alive in their bodies somehow –  
  
_Rin and Sousuke were the icing on the cake that the universe shoved Haruka’s face into. Makoto is too nice and that has become the thesis statement of Haruka’s existence because now there’s a third ghost dropping by to learn manifesting techniques and a vampire that claps whenever Sousuke does the slightest thing correctly.  
  
Oh, and they have a dog. Jaws is an undead mutt with glowing eyes that Makoto sort of wants to pet but Haruka stops him before they can blow the lid off yet another can of worms.  
  
On this crisp spring night, Haruka is sitting at the counter and watching Natsuya show Sousuke how to pull energy from a lamp. Haruka stares with his arms crossed judgmentally and Makoto elbows him without even looking up from the Beanie Babies he’s sorting. “Don’t stare, you’ll make him nervous,” Makoto whines.  
  
“Hate that for him,” Haruka drones, continuing to do so. He squints at Rin, who is too busy offering encouragements to Sousuke to notice the humans talking. Haruka mumbles, “You ever wonder how they…” He lifts his brows at Makoto.  
  
Makoto opens his mouth, closes it. He pulls a sour expression and gets back to sorting.  
  
Haruka says, “Ask Nao.”  
  
_“Are you crazy?!”  
  
_The lamp’s bulb gives a high-pitched whistle before exploding and the humans jump. Sousuke pouts down at the shattered bulb pieces. Rin blinks. Natsuya clears his throat and says, “So, great effort, but let’s try that again with a little less intention. Just think about.”  
  
Sousuke’s brows crease as he searches his thoughts. He shakes his head. “I got nothing.”  
  
Nao sighs from where he’s floating high in the air, one leg crossed over the other as he reads a book – which is also hovering in the air, pages turning on their own. Nao drawls, “He means that in a literal sense. Think about the lamp giving you energy, and it should happen.”  
  
The ghosts and vampire look to Makoto expectantly. He sighs, hauling himself up to fetch another lamp, and Haruka says, “You won’t have a lamp in this place by the time your grandfather comes back.”  
  
“I hate most of them, anyway. They’ve been in here since I was a kid.”  
  
He heads to the back of the store and Haruka tenses as Rin sidles up to the counter. Nao has returned to his book and Natsuya is showing Sousuke how to lift objects into the air. “Hey,” Rin says. “Um, can I ask you something?”  
  
Haruka just frowns.  
  
Rin winces, “The tape you watched –”  
  
“Your sex tape,” Haruka corrects flatly.  
  
“Do you know where it came from?” Hair slips from Rin’s ponytail and he tucks some strands back around his ear nervously. “I have no idea where you could have found it.” He hesitates. “Did you watch the end?”  
  
“The end?”  
  
His confusion must confirm something to Rin, for he seems relieved. Haruka says, “I don’t know where it came from specifically. The tape was in a box full of others – I think the box itself was from the university.”  
  
Rin’s brows crease. “There were more tapes in the box?”  
  
“Not of you. They were like – old sports videos from different years.”  
  
“I wonder if a bunch of different alumni donated them,” Rin breathes. He stands upright from where he was leaning on the counter. “Is there a list of names? You know, of people who donated?”  
  
“Probably.” Haruka looks him up and down dully.  
  
Rin rolls his eyes. “Can you _please_ check?”  
  
As if it’s the most enduring thing in the world, Haruka slides off the stool and wanders to the back room in search of Makoto. He comes back with his boyfriend and Makoto has both a folder and ugly lamp in hand. He offers the lamp to Natsuya then gives the folder to Rin, saying, “Fair warning, it’s a long list.” He blushes. “Unless you can read really fast.”  
  
Rin grins cheekily and takes the folder over to the corner to sit down with it. Jaws flops into his lap in search of belly rubs; Rin obliges in cuddles as he flips through the pages. He recognizes only a handful of names from classmates he knew in passing, but none of them could have had the opportunity to get their hands on that tape. Rin was presumed dead after a brief period of being missing; his possessions should have been given to his mother, but her name isn’t on the list.  
  
Rin is on the last page of names when he freezes.  
  
_Hazuki Nagisa.  
  
_His exhale leaves in a hollow rush. As if destined, his fingers go to the back of the folder, where an unopened letter is tucked in the pocket. Nagisa’s name is right there, as is an address.  
  
Rin glances up at Haruka and Makoto to ensure they are preoccupied talking amongst themselves, then he opens the letter with shaking hands. Rin holds his breath.  
  
_Dear Owner-san,  
  
Hello~! Please forgive me for being so abrupt, but there’s been a serious mistake. I accidently sent a specific tape mixed in with the others I sent for my donation. I understand that it might be hard to find this tape amongst all the others that my fellow alumni have donated, but it’s very important! That tape was given to me along with a few other precious possessions by the mother of a dear friend of mine. You see, all I have left of this friend are some clothes, pictures, and that tape. My friend’s mother did not have the heart to watch the tape, so she gave it to me. It’s covered in really cute stars that glitter in the sunlight!  
  
Do not watch that tape.  
  
I’ll be needing it back as soon as possible. I couldn’t find your business number online, but that’s okay! If you could just send me the tape back to the address of this letter, I would really appreciate it! I would come pick it up myself if I didn’t live so far away. My boyfriend, Rei, has a very demanding job and I get anxious on airplanes, so he hasn’t had the opportunity to accompany me on the journey. It would mean the world if you could help me out!  
  
I miss my friend a lot, you know? It would bring me great comfort to have his tape back.  
  
Thank you,  
  
Hazuki Nagisa  
  
_“Rin?”  
  
He looks up to see Sousuke crouching before him with a hand on his shoulder. The ghost asks, “What’s wrong, baby?”  
  
Robotically, Rin hands him the letter. He watches a slew of emotions changes Sousuke’s face, then Sousuke finishes with a dumbfounded expression. “Nagisa watched the tape,” the ghost breathes. “He knows about you.”  
  
Rin pets Jaws nervously. “It doesn’t sound like he hates me.” He shakes his head. “Why doesn’t he hate me? You were his friend, too.”  
  
Sousuke considers, scratching at his cheek. “He’s had decades to process it,” the ghost says, keeping his voice gentle. “We don’t know what kind of research he’s done, since this tape proved to him that certain things exist – and he adored you.” Sousuke glances over the letter before tipping his head. “He’s probably worried sick about this.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
Sousuke gives him a look and Rin blanches. The vampire says, “We can’t – I mean, the tape was destroyed. There’s nothing to send him back.”  
  
“He’s not going to believe that, even if we forge a letter pretending to be the owner.”  
  
Rin sighs. He knows that – Nagisa was playful and friendly, but he was smart. Rin can’t imagine what seeing that tape did to his personality. He still sounds so sweet in the letter; Rin presses the paper against his heart, at a loss.  
  
Sousuke studies him. “He might really be upset about not knowing what happened to that tape, Rin.”  
  
Rin thunks his head back against the wall. “I can’t just show up to his house, Sousuke.”  
  
“Why not? He’s clearly already watched the tape and knows what you are.” Sousuke gestures to the letter. “He also said he misses you.”  
  
Rin laughs weakly. “I’m surprised you’re wanting me to do something so reckless.”  
  
Sousuke puts a comforting hand on Rin’s thigh, and he strokes it in thought. Softly, the ghost says, “It could do you some good, to see him again. I’m betting that it would relieve Nagisa.” He pulls back his hand. “But it’s whatever you want to do.”  
  
Rin snatches his hand to kiss his palm, then he smiles. “I just don’t want to give him a heart attack.”  
  
“You’re a vampire. Be sneaky about it.”  
  
Rin chuckles and relishes in holding his hand just a while longer. With their fingers locked, he glances out the store window. Fresh growth has sprouted across the trees that line the sidewalk, and an insistence taps at Rin’s brain. He says, “The sakura trees should be blooming soon.” He turns back to Sousuke and clenches his fingers tighter. “Will you go with me?”  
  
_To Nagisa’s? To see the sakura trees?  
  
Anywhere? Will you go anywhere with me? _  
  
Sousuke smirks at how timid the question is, then he presses his answer against Rin’s cheek. “Always.”

* * *

_I know that ghosts have wandered the earth. Be with me always – take any form – drive me mad.  
  
Only do not leave me where I cannot find you._  
  
**Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë**

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished a multi-chap fic in thirteen days. Oh my god 
> 
> quick thing: so obviously, throughout these last few chapters, we've found out that there was a camera at the crime scene of what happened to sousuke. if you'd like, you are welcome to decide one of two ways that went down: 
> 
> 1\. the police didn't watch the tape and just handed the camcorder over to miyako. this may seem absolutely ridiculous to some of you, but we have all seen police overlook some seemingly obvious things before. it is, very sadly, possible. this is what i am going with because i'm so serious that these important things in a case are OFTEN completely overlooked. 
> 
> 2\. the police did watch the tape and rin was charged with sousuke's murder, but never found. the video probably would have been seen as something like cannibalism rather than vampirism, but nagisa looked into it more and that's how he knows the difference. 
> 
> ok. thank you for that little tidbit lol. onto thank yous! <3
> 
> First and foremost, thank you for reading. If you have commented or messaged me, or said absolutely anything about this fic, I want to thank you sincerely. You’ve personally given me the motivation to keep writing and I can’t thank you enough for it. 
> 
> I want to also thank Don for sharing this idea and letting me play with it. She creates the most fascinating and interesting universes in both her art and writing! Please go check her out. 
> 
> I really hope this was able to provide you with a brief lapse of escapism. You don’t need me to tell you how crazy this year has been and I needed a way to celebrate us all getting to October. I have really been in a state while recovering from having the virus myself, so thank you to those who have hyped me up and helped me feel like myself again. Heart heart heart
> 
> I have so enjoyed getting to know some of you through your reviews! If this is the first time you’ve read my work, I just finished another SouRin fic, "Death of a Bachelor" (issa sugardaddy au hohoho), and I’ll be posting a oneshot set in that universe sometime soon. I am also working on a few other stories at the moment, one of which is a SouRin / MakoHaru Urban Fantasy AU called Ikigai (had to name drop it for spooky season lol).
> 
> Thank you again for taking the time to read this story. I hope you enjoyed. Come hang out on Twitter or CC if you feel so obliged~ 
> 
> Most ardently,  
> Macbetha 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ohmacbetha) & [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/macbetha)

**Author's Note:**

> pls someone validate me and say you noticed the joke in the tags about autumn and pining asdaf
> 
> thank you for reading! i'd appreciate it so, so much if you'd leave a comment. pls stay safe! 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ohmacbetha) & [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/macbetha)


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